As I was driving to work today, flashbacks of certain incidents at work came to mind. And it left me feeling really antsy when I entered the office this morning.
A colleague whom I thought was a friend, has been backstabbing me behind my back, somewhat "educating" a new staff that joined and even other colleagues of all the "privileges" I get at work, of how presumably I may have an affair with the boss, how terrible my attitude is, how bossy I am, and the list goes on and on and on. Mind you, she was of a different company (a sister company), under a completely different payroll, different reporting authorities and completely different job-scopes! For her to be making such accusations from the sideline, to the extent of degrading my morality, and spreading it around to the entire office is just way out of line. Though sad that our so-called friendship has taken this turn, I'm glad she left the company. But the pain and scar of her sting remains, even till this very day.
What saddens me is that it made me realize how fragile our friendship was. How fragile friendships can generally be. How this world is a stage and everyone is playing out their roles, putting on a facade, a mask! Despite the many times she was being insensitive, hurling blunt and sarcastic comments at me, lashing out her tantrums and mood-swings at me, I took it all in and tolerated because that was the right thing to do. At least it felt right at that point of time, but in hindsight now, I realized I should have done something about it. I should have defended myself. I should have made her realize on those instances how crudely insensitive she was being. I should have stood up against the status quo. But I didn't. My fear held me back. Why? Because I didn't want to start a war and cause more damage.
That being said, I have to admit, I am not one who just forgives and forgets. Albeit it being an undesirable trait, it is the epitome of human frailty. And that's what i am, merely human..and an imperfect one..
So here I am, feeling betrayed, feeling the need to have closure, to confront her for her actions because someone needs to stand up to her, wake her up from that delusional mindset she has that everyone else is problematic except her, and tell her the consequences of telling tales (not facts) of someone else can be THAT detrimental and how it is absolutely wrong! Coming in to the office day by day, seeing the very same faces of those who were accomplices to some extent, though not necessarily in the same capacity, just keeps reminding me of this emotional baggage I carry. I wish i could cut the weight loose, but doing so, might come with consequences. And i'm not sure if i can deal with the consequences. Sigh.
This is one of the reasons I do not enjoy work as much anymore. I believe people are a very important aspect to any organization. Having a balanced dynamics is a crucial factor to a company's well-being and success and in some significant way, employee performance and passion as well. But here I am, stuck in this rut, where I have learnt the hard way that no one can ever be trusted, and how, in the midst of their insecurities, people will just find a way to attack because in their minds, I am the cause of their insecurity. Yet another lesson I've learnt. Not to let people read your emotions easily or tell them how you feel because even the slightest, most innocent of comments, somehow, Colleague A will tell Colleague B and colleague B, being the insecure person he is, will act out of emotions and do things that will disrupt whatever dynamics/trust/respect there is left in the relationship.
So here I am, frustrated and feeling the desperate need to do devotion this morning, and guess what? God's timing is ever as perfect again! I logged into www.ymiblogging.org , my regular devotion site, and the devotion of the day from ODB reads "The Benefit of the Doubt". A very common phrase used in legal matters. And it talks about how perhaps, we as Christians, can apply this legalistic term into our daily relationships as well. Quoted here, an excerpt of the passage.
love “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” Leon Morris, in the Tyndale New Testament Commentaries, says this about the phrase “believes all things”: “To see the best in others . . . . This does not mean that love is gullible, but that it does not think the worst (as is the way of the world). It retains its faith. Love is not deceived . . . but it is always ready to give the benefit of the doubt.”
When we hear something negative about others or we’re suspicious about the motive for their actions, let’s stop before we judge their intentions as wrong or bad. Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt. — Anne Cetas
This passage is indicating to me what I should do. Some sort of divine intervention perhaps.
But these are the battling, counter-offering thoughts in my head instead.
How do you expect me to see the best in others when they keep seeing the worst in me?
How do you expect me to give others the benefit of the doubt, when they don't give me the benefit of the doubt?
How do I love my enemy?
How do I love a friend who betrays/betrayed me?
In reading, the teachings of the Bible seem so simplistic sometimes , but in reality, I think they are far beyond simple. They are challenging and complicating, and not easily done! Oh how I fall short of the glory of God.
This unresolved feelings or thoughts will always be my dirty laundry.
If only cleaning "it" was literally as simple as taking "it" to the laundry. If only the act and consequence is as simple.
Sad to say, I think I'm one step further from believing or placing any hope in friendships. Why believe in something so fragile, so insecure? Why open up your vulnerable heart to trust only to gain disappointment and heartaches in the end? Why believe that friendships can last when people can change so easily? How can a genuine friendship exist when people are so ingenuine by nature?
