It's so weird that i can't tell where life's heading when it comes to ministry and work but i know it so well within me that spending my life with you is what i'm meant to do.

I see us making plans and starting a family together, a vision so real and certain and empowering that everything else just fades out of focus like a blurred background of a picture.

The distance is such a difficult thing to cope with and yet ironically, it gets easier each day missing you because even though it's one day further from the last time we met, it's also one day closer to the next time we'll meet again.

When will i see you again?

When will our prayers be answered?

They decided to withdrew the offer, because of my indecisiveness.

They wanted someone convicted. And i clearly showed I wasn't.

I was too honest perhaps, with my insecurity and doubts.

Yeah, I'm really upset about it, yet, I know, it's for the better.

I don't know if this is God's way of interfering and helping me to decide since I can't.

But damnit! I'm still upset!!

Disappointment.

Indecisiveness.

Ego.

Hope

HOPE

Taking Risks

A month plus ago, I saw an advertisement by The Star hiring for journalists in the northern branch. I read through the requirements and pondered on the possibility of applying for it; taking the particular clipping out and keeping it together with my stack of miscellaneous notes within the organizer. Then came the next day, and as I went through the same routine of going through the classifieds section, I came across the very same ad. This probably went on for about a week plus and every time I came across the advertisement, there was this particular feeling growing within; a nagging nudge to just take the plunge and go for it, with no expectations whatsoever. And so i succumbed, after much pressure from within, telling me that I would regret had I not attempt to even apply.

I clearly remember that night when I sat in front of the television while drafting the cover letter. I spent hours trying to pen my thoughts and words as best as I could to justify my application (since I came from an entirely different background of education and work experience) and all I had to back me up was the little exposure I had being in the Editorial Board and the occasional writing I did for The Boys' Brigade, coupled with proclaimed passion for this field. I've always envision myself being part of a publication when I was younger, but because of the lack of confidence in myself and my writing, I never pursued it with great enthusiasm. All that being said, that night, I was really proud of myself for writing quite an awesome cover letter. At least, to my own opinion. :)

So just a day before the application dateline ended, I took a day's leave from work and got myself on a bus to the northern office, to submit my application by hand. Mom asked me why I had to go all the way up to deliver my application by hand, and honestly, I don't know why I decided so. Perhaps, it was for the sake of assurance that they would receive my application and it wouldn't go missing in the mail or the application be forfeited because it arrived past the dateline.

2 weeks later, I got a call, asking me to go for an interview AND writing test. Because of my Jakarta work trip, I had to re-schedule to an earlier date, just 2 days before my Jakarta trip. When I was up in Penang for BB PESTA, I thought it would be convenient to kill 2 birds with one stone and attend the interview then too. But, then again, a later date would give me ample of time to prepare for the writing test. So i opted to make yet another trip up on a separate day the following week.

Because of all the rush in completing 5 days worth of pending work, as well as for the Jakarta and Singapore trip, I had no time to prepare properly for the writing test. Everyday was just passing in such a quick pace and when I realized, it was already a day before my interview and I hadn't even booked my bus ticket yet! I panicked and all the scrutiny that I had to endure that day didn't make it any easier. But by God's grace, I managed to get a ticket, and print some notes on journalism to read while on the bus.

The big day came and rain came down. (Cool, it kinda rhymes) The entire state was in a massive traffic jam and stand still for hours because of the heavy rain and one particular massive accident, and so, instead of being driven to the place of interview as initially planned, I had to drop my friend off at work and drive myself there with reliance only on the GPS. What a way to start the day. I was really upset because of all the unforeseen circumstances but again, thankfully, it all worked out..from the lost driving, to the interview and to the writing test.

I'd like to think I did my best with little expectations of the outcome. Why? Cos' part of me hoped I would get it, while another part of me hoped I wouldn't get it so that I wouldn't need to face the dilemma of taking it up and leaving my current employment or rejecting the offer. I'm weird like that. And i do not like dilemmas! :)

To cut the long story short, I got called yesterday to go to the KL headquarters for medical check-up. Out of 12 applicants, 5 were shortlisted and I am one of the lucky ones. Good news in some ways and bad in some other ways. It's a really tough decision to make as it would mean leaving behind all that I have here, and pursuing something entirely different which I may or may not excel in. It is the insecurity of the future that scares me. I do not want to make a wrong decision and regret it, knowing how ways lead on to ways and how this decision will affect my life's direction.

I am, at a crossroad, a fork in the road.
"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry I could not travel both." - Robert Frost

It is at times like this, that I wished God spoke to me even more. His opinion is what matters most to me. If He decides I should leave and take up this opportunity, I would, even if it means receiving objection from family, and bosses. But if He decides I should stay and let this interesting opportunity pass, I would, even if it means regretting for awhile for not allowing myself to explore something new. My fear of making a decision is not because I fear the responsibility and consequence that comes with it, but because I fear making a decision that will displease Him.

Funny how a close friend asked me this when I told her of my situation. "Did you pray to God telling Him that if He makes a way and opens the door, that would be a sign of His approval for you to take it up?" Of which i answered, "Yes."

And as I read ODJ last night before going to bed, this particular passage and devotion that I read first randomly, caught my attention. Maybe this is His way of comforting me and guiding me with this situation.

**************

ODJ: RISK TAKERS

July 4, 2010
Read: Joshua 1 : 1 - 9

One of the saddest accounts in the Bible is 
 recorded in the Old Testament book of Numbers
 (chapters 13-14). It’s the story of the Israelites who had previously been miraculously delivered from a life of backbreaking slave labor in Egypt.


This generation had witnessed the 10 plagues in Egypt and God parting the Red Sea (Exodus 7-14). For nearly 2 years, they journeyed through the wilderness following a pillar of cloud during the day and a pillar of fire at night. And every day God caused manna and quail to fall from the sky (Exodus 16). He even kept their clothes from wearing out as they endured the elements and strain of desert life (Deuteronomy 8:4).


That’s impressive!


And now, as we tune into Numbers 13, we see that God finally had His people on the verge of conquering the Promised Land—and they wouldn’t do it. Outside of Caleb and Joshua, the leaders refused to step up to the challenge. They said that the Canaanites were too big and powerful. They told the people they were like “giants” and referred to themselves as “grasshoppers” (vv.31-33).


As a result, God made them wander aimlessly around the wilderness for 38 years (within a few miles of their God-given destiny) until their generation died off. 


How tragic! God had rescued them and led them to a new life in a new land. But they refused to take a risk with Him. 


If there is one thing that the stories of the Bible tell us again and again, it is this: Following the God of the universe into the purpose of our lives always involves meaningful levels of risk (Joshua 1:6-9). 


Taking a bold and gutsy risk is not the absence of faith. Sometimes it’s an expression of our faith in Him. —Jeff Olson

"This is my command. Be strong and courageous.
Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged,
for the Lord Your God will be with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9

What do you think God is telling me?

That whatever I decide, He is with me. Whether i take it up, or not.

Or is He telling me that I should take this risk and trust Him?

Sporting and completely hilarious

POKER FACE | Lady Gaga (Acapella)

LDR

Today marks the first day.
I feared and dreaded the coming of this day.

But resistance is futile. It was inevitable.

A test from above, perhaps.

It's not going to be easy.

It's not going to be as it used to be.

But i need to remain optimistic and wait upon God.

It's all I can do.

Shrek peek

Donkey > Puss : You are a CATastrophe!

Puss > Donkey : You are riDONKulous!

LOL! hahahahahaha

Lost and confused.again.

It's really frustrating when you don't know what your direction is in life. Some people say, "Claim your life! You decide who you want to be". Is it truly so? Do we really have the deciding power, or Him above? Some say, God gives us options in life, and we need to be accountable for the decisions we make. He gives us the freedom of choice. But I've also heard of and done prayers saying that "not my will be done, but Yours". The latter implies that God has a will or purpose for each and everyone of us already. So then, it brings me back to the question, who decides our direction in life? Option A: We do. B. God does. C. It's a mix of both. Setting a direction for our own lives is an action resulting from the authority we think we have upon our life. But if we are believers of Christ, this life we have isn't exactly ours, it was ransomed and made new in Christ. We live because of His grace and mercy. Our lives belong to Him. So do we then have the rights to exercise such authoritative power on the decisions we make concerning our life? Then again, not everyone has the gift of hearing God speak to them and telling them if the decisions made are right or wrong. So it's pretty much going by faith!

These thoughts are somewhat contradictory and non-conclusive. And i'm back at square one again.

My point is, i just feel really lost. I've been working for more than 1 1/2 years, and I'm nearly quarter a century old, and I still don't know what my passion in life is, what do i want to major in, what's my direction in life etc etc etc. If i plan for tomorrow, it is as though i'm disrespecting God and boasting about tomorrow when my life is indeed uncertain. But on the other side of the coin, how can one live a purposeful and fulfilling life without setting directions and goals?

Again, square one.

And ever as lost.

Maybe i'm reading between the lines too much. Sigh.

Paragliding @ Penang

This will be ME someday.

And that day is coming soon :)

Can't wait !!

Counting down till that blissful thrilling day arrives...

An experience worth remembering

A month ago, Joshua (Sam's brother) asked if I could help out with his church wedding decoration because the person who was suppose to do it, well, couldn't do it. So as terrifying and desperate as the request sounded, I was actually jumping for joy within because I've never had the experience of being part of a wedding's plan and processes! Plus, it was always a childhood dream of mine to be a wedding planner someday ;)

So, the entire month of planning and sourcing for materials was really stressful, especially with the given budget of RM400 only. But it all worked out well. The effort paid off and it was alot of fun!

Here are pictures of my first stint as a church wedding decorator :)

If you are pleased with the outcome, I'm open for hire in the future!

the aisle (of garlands, fake roses, organza ribbons, and real flower petals)

an upclose shot of the aisle (again)

i just love how the garlands droop at the end of the aisle

pretty :)

right after the ceremony (and probably during as well) kids were dismantling the tiny flower bouquets on the aisle and making it their own!

the stage

2 standees made of red roses and white pom poms, creeping ivy leaves and rose petals

The theme of the church wedding was actually WINE & CHAMPAGNE.

Do you think the deco met the theme? Did it give you the vibe of a vineyard wedding?

I really wanted to do a wooden stick arch, cos I thought that would do the trick but we really had no time and the bride and groom wanted something really minimalistic. Anyhows, i'm glad they liked the final outcome.

*******************

Being part of this wedding plan was really a blessing and a testimonial worth sharing.

Because the budget was so tight, we decided that buying real flowers were way cheaper than fake flowers, especially for the stage deco and the flower standees. Getting the professionals, ie. florist to do it would cost even more. So Sam and I, being all confident that we can do it on our own, we went by faith and did the flower arrangements by ourselves the day before the wedding. After several hours of trying around, i realized we couldn't do it. Our arrangements were so unprofessionally looking and odd. The real thing came out so different from how we envisioned it to be.

So being the worry freak I am, I was really stressed out and emo and panicky. Joshua and Tina deserved something nice, and their entire family and relatives knew I was going to be the decorator. I had to live up to the expectations! I was just so down and emo, and at the verge of giving up. I was also partially annoyed with the wedding coordinator cos it was her suggestion in the first place to go DIY and experiment together. Yet, instead of coming at 4pm, she only came at 8pm!

(When i'm stressed up, I get easily annoyed and pissed off, so yeah, maybe she's not entirely at fault, but it was a big deal to me because the mood i was in aggravated the feelings even more)

Anyhow, she came at 8pm, saw the damage done, and tried to fix it. She suggest we go for a break and take our dinner and so we did. Throughout dinner, I was just thinking and talking to God, pleading for a miracle that when we get back after dinner, He would bless me with green fingers and I would be able to turn things around for good. It took courage to admit to Him that I know I'm really not as good as I think I could be. Truth be told, the situation humbled me.

When i came back after dinner, and saw how she salvaged the damage we had done, I felt really guilty for thinking badly of her in the first place. She's always so smiley, even when the situation was stressful, and she's never NOT smiling. I felt so ashamed of myself cos I'm like the total opposite.

HOWEVER, her being equally inexperienced as we are, the arrangement that she did, though nice, was way too tiny to be placed at the stage. And that's when God intervened, literally.

No, He didn't bless me with green fingers for the next 4 hours, but He sent us a florist, in the most unexpected way! It was Good Friday and just after service, this lady saw us working on the flowers and when we told her our problem, she said she could help us fix it, and make the arrangement look a little bigger! After talking to her a little, getting to know her better, she told us she actually owned a florist a long time ago! Praise GOD!!!!

She helped us out so much that she stayed from 9 pm till 12 pm (with her husband and kids) and got both the standees and the bridesmaid bouquets done! And it looked professionally done, because she was a professional! Praise God, again! Because of her help, I could concentrate on doing up the hall and the other decorations, and Sam could finish up his bestman speech. That night, when we finished up everything, I could rest in peace.

God is just so awesome.

I was proud, and He humbled me, for my own good. But He didn't just stop there. He provided a way out for me as well. What amazing love, and abounding grace. All praise be to God, seriously.

It really was an encouragement for me. And that's why I'm sharing this testimony to all.

Our God is real, and always dependable upon. Remember that, always.

2 Corinthians 12:9 -> "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."