They decided to withdrew the offer, because of my indecisiveness.

They wanted someone convicted. And i clearly showed I wasn't.

I was too honest perhaps, with my insecurity and doubts.

Yeah, I'm really upset about it, yet, I know, it's for the better.

I don't know if this is God's way of interfering and helping me to decide since I can't.

But damnit! I'm still upset!!

Disappointment.

Indecisiveness.

Ego.

Hope

HOPE

Taking Risks

A month plus ago, I saw an advertisement by The Star hiring for journalists in the northern branch. I read through the requirements and pondered on the possibility of applying for it; taking the particular clipping out and keeping it together with my stack of miscellaneous notes within the organizer. Then came the next day, and as I went through the same routine of going through the classifieds section, I came across the very same ad. This probably went on for about a week plus and every time I came across the advertisement, there was this particular feeling growing within; a nagging nudge to just take the plunge and go for it, with no expectations whatsoever. And so i succumbed, after much pressure from within, telling me that I would regret had I not attempt to even apply.

I clearly remember that night when I sat in front of the television while drafting the cover letter. I spent hours trying to pen my thoughts and words as best as I could to justify my application (since I came from an entirely different background of education and work experience) and all I had to back me up was the little exposure I had being in the Editorial Board and the occasional writing I did for The Boys' Brigade, coupled with proclaimed passion for this field. I've always envision myself being part of a publication when I was younger, but because of the lack of confidence in myself and my writing, I never pursued it with great enthusiasm. All that being said, that night, I was really proud of myself for writing quite an awesome cover letter. At least, to my own opinion. :)

So just a day before the application dateline ended, I took a day's leave from work and got myself on a bus to the northern office, to submit my application by hand. Mom asked me why I had to go all the way up to deliver my application by hand, and honestly, I don't know why I decided so. Perhaps, it was for the sake of assurance that they would receive my application and it wouldn't go missing in the mail or the application be forfeited because it arrived past the dateline.

2 weeks later, I got a call, asking me to go for an interview AND writing test. Because of my Jakarta work trip, I had to re-schedule to an earlier date, just 2 days before my Jakarta trip. When I was up in Penang for BB PESTA, I thought it would be convenient to kill 2 birds with one stone and attend the interview then too. But, then again, a later date would give me ample of time to prepare for the writing test. So i opted to make yet another trip up on a separate day the following week.

Because of all the rush in completing 5 days worth of pending work, as well as for the Jakarta and Singapore trip, I had no time to prepare properly for the writing test. Everyday was just passing in such a quick pace and when I realized, it was already a day before my interview and I hadn't even booked my bus ticket yet! I panicked and all the scrutiny that I had to endure that day didn't make it any easier. But by God's grace, I managed to get a ticket, and print some notes on journalism to read while on the bus.

The big day came and rain came down. (Cool, it kinda rhymes) The entire state was in a massive traffic jam and stand still for hours because of the heavy rain and one particular massive accident, and so, instead of being driven to the place of interview as initially planned, I had to drop my friend off at work and drive myself there with reliance only on the GPS. What a way to start the day. I was really upset because of all the unforeseen circumstances but again, thankfully, it all worked out..from the lost driving, to the interview and to the writing test.

I'd like to think I did my best with little expectations of the outcome. Why? Cos' part of me hoped I would get it, while another part of me hoped I wouldn't get it so that I wouldn't need to face the dilemma of taking it up and leaving my current employment or rejecting the offer. I'm weird like that. And i do not like dilemmas! :)

To cut the long story short, I got called yesterday to go to the KL headquarters for medical check-up. Out of 12 applicants, 5 were shortlisted and I am one of the lucky ones. Good news in some ways and bad in some other ways. It's a really tough decision to make as it would mean leaving behind all that I have here, and pursuing something entirely different which I may or may not excel in. It is the insecurity of the future that scares me. I do not want to make a wrong decision and regret it, knowing how ways lead on to ways and how this decision will affect my life's direction.

I am, at a crossroad, a fork in the road.
"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry I could not travel both." - Robert Frost

It is at times like this, that I wished God spoke to me even more. His opinion is what matters most to me. If He decides I should leave and take up this opportunity, I would, even if it means receiving objection from family, and bosses. But if He decides I should stay and let this interesting opportunity pass, I would, even if it means regretting for awhile for not allowing myself to explore something new. My fear of making a decision is not because I fear the responsibility and consequence that comes with it, but because I fear making a decision that will displease Him.

Funny how a close friend asked me this when I told her of my situation. "Did you pray to God telling Him that if He makes a way and opens the door, that would be a sign of His approval for you to take it up?" Of which i answered, "Yes."

And as I read ODJ last night before going to bed, this particular passage and devotion that I read first randomly, caught my attention. Maybe this is His way of comforting me and guiding me with this situation.

**************

ODJ: RISK TAKERS

July 4, 2010
Read: Joshua 1 : 1 - 9

One of the saddest accounts in the Bible is 
 recorded in the Old Testament book of Numbers
 (chapters 13-14). It’s the story of the Israelites who had previously been miraculously delivered from a life of backbreaking slave labor in Egypt.


This generation had witnessed the 10 plagues in Egypt and God parting the Red Sea (Exodus 7-14). For nearly 2 years, they journeyed through the wilderness following a pillar of cloud during the day and a pillar of fire at night. And every day God caused manna and quail to fall from the sky (Exodus 16). He even kept their clothes from wearing out as they endured the elements and strain of desert life (Deuteronomy 8:4).


That’s impressive!


And now, as we tune into Numbers 13, we see that God finally had His people on the verge of conquering the Promised Land—and they wouldn’t do it. Outside of Caleb and Joshua, the leaders refused to step up to the challenge. They said that the Canaanites were too big and powerful. They told the people they were like “giants” and referred to themselves as “grasshoppers” (vv.31-33).


As a result, God made them wander aimlessly around the wilderness for 38 years (within a few miles of their God-given destiny) until their generation died off. 


How tragic! God had rescued them and led them to a new life in a new land. But they refused to take a risk with Him. 


If there is one thing that the stories of the Bible tell us again and again, it is this: Following the God of the universe into the purpose of our lives always involves meaningful levels of risk (Joshua 1:6-9). 


Taking a bold and gutsy risk is not the absence of faith. Sometimes it’s an expression of our faith in Him. —Jeff Olson

"This is my command. Be strong and courageous.
Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged,
for the Lord Your God will be with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9

What do you think God is telling me?

That whatever I decide, He is with me. Whether i take it up, or not.

Or is He telling me that I should take this risk and trust Him?