The fragility of friendship

As I was driving to work today, flashbacks of certain incidents at work came to mind. And it left me feeling really antsy when I entered the office this morning.

A colleague whom I thought was a friend, has been backstabbing me behind my back, somewhat "educating" a new staff that joined and even other colleagues of all the "privileges" I get at work, of how presumably I may have an affair with the boss, how terrible my attitude is, how bossy I am, and the list goes on and on and on. Mind you, she was of a different company (a sister company), under a completely different payroll, different reporting authorities and completely different job-scopes! For her to be making such accusations from the sideline, to the extent of degrading my morality, and spreading it around to the entire office is just way out of line. Though sad that our so-called friendship has taken this turn, I'm glad she left the company. But the pain and scar of her sting remains, even till this very day.

What saddens me is that it made me realize how fragile our friendship was. How fragile friendships can generally be. How this world is a stage and everyone is playing out their roles, putting on a facade, a mask! Despite the many times she was being insensitive, hurling blunt and sarcastic comments at me, lashing out her tantrums and mood-swings at me, I took it all in and tolerated because that was the right thing to do. At least it felt right at that point of time, but in hindsight now, I realized I should have done something about it. I should have defended myself. I should have made her realize on those instances how crudely insensitive she was being. I should have stood up against the status quo. But I didn't. My fear held me back. Why? Because I didn't want to start a war and cause more damage.

That being said, I have to admit, I am not one who just forgives and forgets. Albeit it being an undesirable trait, it is the epitome of human frailty. And that's what i am, merely human..and an imperfect one..

So here I am, feeling betrayed, feeling the need to have closure, to confront her for her actions because someone needs to stand up to her, wake her up from that delusional mindset she has that everyone else is problematic except her, and tell her the consequences of telling tales (not facts) of someone else can be THAT detrimental and how it is absolutely wrong! Coming in to the office day by day, seeing the very same faces of those who were accomplices to some extent, though not necessarily in the same capacity, just keeps reminding me of this emotional baggage I carry. I wish i could cut the weight loose, but doing so, might come with consequences. And i'm not sure if i can deal with the consequences. Sigh.

This is one of the reasons I do not enjoy work as much anymore. I believe people are a very important aspect to any organization. Having a balanced dynamics is a crucial factor to a company's well-being and success and in some significant way, employee performance and passion as well. But here I am, stuck in this rut, where I have learnt the hard way that no one can ever be trusted, and how, in the midst of their insecurities, people will just find a way to attack because in their minds, I am the cause of their insecurity. Yet another lesson I've learnt. Not to let people read your emotions easily or tell them how you feel because even the slightest, most innocent of comments, somehow, Colleague A will tell Colleague B and colleague B, being the insecure person he is, will act out of emotions and do things that will disrupt whatever dynamics/trust/respect there is left in the relationship.

So here I am, frustrated and feeling the desperate need to do devotion this morning, and guess what? God's timing is ever as perfect again! I logged into www.ymiblogging.org , my regular devotion site, and the devotion of the day from ODB reads "The Benefit of the Doubt". A very common phrase used in legal matters. And it talks about how perhaps, we as Christians, can apply this legalistic term into our daily relationships as well. Quoted here, an excerpt of the passage.

love “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” Leon Morris, in the Tyndale New Testament Commentaries, says this about the phrase “believes all things”: “To see the best in others . . . . This does not mean that love is gullible, but that it does not think the worst (as is the way of the world). It retains its faith. Love is not deceived . . . but it is always ready to give the benefit of the doubt.”

When we hear something negative about others or we’re suspicious about the motive for their actions, let’s stop before we judge their intentions as wrong or bad. Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt. — Anne Cetas

This passage is indicating to me what I should do. Some sort of divine intervention perhaps.
But these are the battling, counter-offering thoughts in my head instead.

How do you expect me to see the best in others when they keep seeing the worst in me?
How do you expect me to give others the benefit of the doubt, when they don't give me the benefit of the doubt?
How do I love my enemy?

How do I love a friend who betrays/betrayed me?

In reading, the teachings of the Bible seem so simplistic sometimes , but in reality, I think they are far beyond simple. They are challenging and complicating, and not easily done! Oh how I fall short of the glory of God.

This unresolved feelings or thoughts will always be my dirty laundry.
If only cleaning "it" was literally as simple as taking "it" to the laundry. If only the act and consequence is as simple.

Sad to say, I think I'm one step further from believing or placing any hope in friendships. Why believe in something so fragile, so insecure? Why open up your vulnerable heart to trust only to gain disappointment and heartaches in the end? Why believe that friendships can last when people can change so easily? How can a genuine friendship exist when people are so ingenuine by nature?

It's so weird that i can't tell where life's heading when it comes to ministry and work but i know it so well within me that spending my life with you is what i'm meant to do.

I see us making plans and starting a family together, a vision so real and certain and empowering that everything else just fades out of focus like a blurred background of a picture.

The distance is such a difficult thing to cope with and yet ironically, it gets easier each day missing you because even though it's one day further from the last time we met, it's also one day closer to the next time we'll meet again.

When will i see you again?

When will our prayers be answered?

The 2-minute rhyme

It's great when we both have Skype to talk endlessly with at work. :)

And i present to you, my 2-minute impromptu poem made to rhyme..

"my heart cries out to you,oh romeo..

my every being aches being apart from you..

our love is like milk and oreo..

just as i am better only when with you.."

haha! good one, isn't it?

BUT... i was mistaken to be a racist! haha, calling him oreo and me milk.

Now, back to work... :(

Emo-nya...i feel like quitting...sitting in the office can be such a bore sometimes..

Valentine love

Happy Be-earlieth Valentines Day & Chinese New Year!

As Valentine's Day draws closer, and knowing we probably won't be able to spend the occasion together due to the CNY festivity, the very thought of having found love in someone as special as him makes me content.

Having someone who keeps calling you "wifey", telling you how beautiful and sexy you are even when your face is pimply and you've been putting on those extra kilos around the waist, and being able to know your thoughts even before you can say them out aloud; these are the simple things that remind me of how blessed I am by God.

It's like God sending me a huge parcel via airmail, with a note attached saying;
"His name is Samuel. Hope you like him, my dear! Took Me awhile to source for this amazing gift for you but it's well worth it."

And who doesn't love suprises and amazing presents! :)
No doubt, the period of waiting for it could have been painful and testing at times - but I'm a firm believer that everything will eventually work out according to His plan.. sooner or later..

So thank you, God - for loved ones.. family, sam, and some friends..
These are the people that keep me going each day, making it easier when life gets hard.
And i love 'em loads. :)

And so the season begins

And so the season of engagements and weddings begins..

For the past few months, news of friends and acquaintances getting engaged and hitched have been coming in one after another. It really does get you thinking on what's in store for you (and everyone) in the future. A colleague of mine made this passing comment one day @ lunch saying the younger generations (referring to my generation, of course) are getting married earlier, completing the cyclical phenomenon of the tradition of our forefathers who used to be married at very young ages. Somehow i sense a whole chunk of grammatical error in my previous statement.. anyhow, it sounds nice, so i wont bother fixing it or dwelling too much on the technicalities of the English language.

Where were we? Ahh yes, back to weddings..and engagements..

Yesterday, while browsing through FB @ work, a friend posted her status mentioning rings and dream dresses and etc. The first thing that came to my mind was "omgg, is she getting hitched?" and so i clicked on her profile and i was right. She was getting engaged. And i have to admit, joy and happiness weren't exactly the first thoughts in my mind. Rather, i was in utter shock, questioning the possibility of it happening!

First and foremost, she's younger than me by 2 years and so is her fiance.
(not judging anyone based on age here, but based on the point below, i'm hell suprised that their parents consented to it)

Secondly, i don't think they are both financially stable YET.
(engagements and weddings require massive funding, and unless you're born with a silver spoon, where papi and mami provides EVERYTHING, finances are definitely an issue. In their case, I dont know the family well enough to say for sure that they are well off to do but from what i know, middle class family?)

Anyway, who am i to assume and judge? What matters most is love prevails. And i'm a sucker for happy endings. So i quickly changed my negative worrisome thoughts to happy thoughts. =D

She may not know this, because we're not exactly close friends, but I pray that her relationship and marriage will be a fruitful one and I believe it will be; as i do admire the maturity and passion that both have in view of their relationship and how God lies central in it. And this i know because i occassionally follow her blog. And while reading one of her posts, it reminded me of a lot of things I once had and have in mind, pre- and post- being in a relationship, about relationships, and God. It was a good reminder for me to get my priorities set right again, and to make sure he does too.

I know our time will not come anytime soon, as we still have much to learn and prepare, both together and separately; for marriage, and for fulfilling God's intended purpose for us. We've been stumbling occassionally along the way, with hindrances that keep distracting and discouraging us, but we will stay strong and continue running the race, guided by Him, and encouraged by each other; this my prayer for us. ♥

I like the season of engagements and weddings.
It's the season to be jolly - fa la la la la la la la la! :)

=)
sam+ally

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

(1 Corinthians 13 : 4-8)

Let's drink and be merry!

2 weeks ago, 2 buddies of mine decided we should chill out, ie. have some drinks. It was a rather impromptu plan but heck, impromptu plans are always the best ones! So after Siv picked me up from my place, we headed over to SK to meet up with Sam for some stomach-filling solids. After treating ourselves to a hearty meal and some lengthy conversation, we headed over to Siv's place for some drinks, well, Absolut Peach and Bacardi Apple to be exact, two very sweet tasting and smooth yet STRONG alcohol. Personally, I don't really have a good impression of Bacardi because the last time I drank it, I swelled up like an enormous tomato!

Anyway..
15/5/09 - This was to be my first drinking session with the guys. Excited? Yes. Worried? Also yes.

When we got there, we started playing some cards while listening to some gay music on Youtube and as usual, the guys were pouring packs of alcohol mixed with Sprite. The first pack tasted mild. And then, as time passed, we had more packs. 3? Or was it 4? Anyway, it must have been at my third one that Sam said "Hey Ally, you look pink!". In my heart, I knew it. Turning pink, definitely not a good sign for me. It's normal but my body has its way of telling me "Hey,you're about to get into the next phase. Watch out." So being the super self-conscious me, I was so ashamed that I got them to switch the lights off! I really didn't want to turn into a Pink Hulk, no way, at least not in front of the guys. But they won't listen! And so I had to hid my beautiful (soon to turn ugly) face behind the nearest pillow I could find. Everything started to feel heavy then. My head was heavy, my body refused to sit upright, and my eyes were heavy. Okay, this is a pretty awesome discovery I discovered about myself. When I reach my alcohol threshold, instead of getting high, I get sleepy. Weird but totally cool. Haha. So I started feeling sleepy, and the guys kept telling me to stay awake cos that's how it is and that I've got to fight it, but haha, when I'm sleepy, nothing comes in the way of my sleep..and so, apparently I fell asleep! And I have no recollection at all of how it happened and when exactly.

The next I remember...

I awoke to the sound of an unfamiliar voice, not of Sam's or Siv's.. I pulled the pillow away from my face and lo-behold, I see an unfamiliar face, a stranger, whom I later got acquainted with and now has a name - Karthik. I can't believe I was out / asleep for 1 whole hour! Honestly, I could recall nothing of that one hour "time-out" which I thought was only as short as 15 minutes?

I felt flustered. There's a stranger in the room and I was asleep, like a pig! and I was so oblivious of the things going around me too. It was really really embarrassing. I gathered my face into my clasped hands. There was a dull pain in my head and my stomach felt funny. I know this feeling. It was the same feeling I felt when I was out clubbing in NZ with the Mosaic bunch; just after the horrible tasting shot and some mixtures, and before puking.

Stumbling onto my feet, I got up and headed straight to the toilet. Everything came out. Ewww. Thankfully it was only 1 pass at the washroom.

So I came back in, and the guys were high instead! Siv was dancing non-stop, Sam was listening to more gay music, and Karthik was just looking at me with such suspicious eyes. We had some camwhore session and a good time of laughing together over everything. Too bad the guys weren't high enough to be talking about life cos apparently, when they're really high, they'll talk about life and that's the interesting part! Maybe they were feeling shy that a girl was there too..just maybe..lol.

Good chill out session nonetheless. Apparently I need more drinking training. Haha, we shall see about that!

End of story.

I just wanted to blog about this because it's definitely a memory worth keeping. My memory will soon fail me, and this is the only way, coupled with the pictures we took, for me to remember this by.

Sorry if it was boring.

Sorry if you wasted your time reading it too.

Sorry if the ending wasn't as gempaq as you thought it should have been.

I'm so friggin' apologetic. LOL.

Anyway, drinking reminds me of the Mosaic bunch of friends so much.

I miss Mer's dirty dancing;

I miss Tom's silly faces and cute dancing;

I miss Emma being all sisterly and her cautious ways because she's always the designated driver when everyone else is either too drunk to drive or insanely tipsy to drive;

I miss Charlene's wacky antics of taking videos of people puking or being tipsy; and

I miss Jas's sporting attempts to drink and dance and let loose.

I want to go back. I really do..

Don't know if you guys will ever read this, but I miss you guys!


Friends - are God's way of taking care of us; angels sent to guide and walk with us while we embark on life's journey.
Treasure them, cos sometimes, you do not know what you have till you've lost them.



Cheers!
missy allyot. :)

Composition in BM

Inilah percubaan pertamaku untuk berkias dalam bahasa. :)

Inilah kisahku
Kaulah ilhamku
Mainan fikiran yang susah dihiraukan
Luahan perasaan yang kian terpendam

Ku rindu dakapannya
Lirik manisnya yang berbuih di bibir ku
Gelisah hatiku berjumpanya
Namun bagai ubatan bagi luka hatiku

Haruskah ku hirau bisikan hatiku
Yang dambakannya untuk bercinta lagi
Haruskah ku hirau khayalan yang bergenang dalam mindaku
Yang membuatkan hatiku rindunya lagi

Memori kita yang masih di sisi
Segalanya yang ternyata indah

(c) Alicia Choy.

Immortal Beloved

I've been watching too many romantic movies and crying in every single one.
Made of Honor, Sex and the City..
Is this some sort of an emotional workout?
Cos i'm not too sure if i can lift the weights of my feelings...

Anyway...

This is dedicated to you, my Beloved.. whoever you may be, wherever you are..

Something so beautifully written by Ludwig van Beethoven - Immortal Beloved, the 3rd Letter. Enjoy.

**********************************

"Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once. Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together. Be calm. Love me - today, yesterday.. what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
Ever thine - Ever mine - Ever ours."

*********************************

When will you write me a love letter?

Love-inspired

I believe that a great piece of composition is often the product of one's reaction towards the experiences and emotions of life. But the other aspect that truly amazes me is how our extreme feelings towards a particular circumstance of life can give rise to great and impressive masterpieces. An example would be Vincent van Gogh. He suffered from mental disorders, financial difficulty and other crazy challenges. Yet, his paintings are now among the world's finest works of art. How such a broken person can create images that brim with beauty or write songs so good that they linger even decades later just doesn't fail to keep me in wonder and amazement.

Taking another famous personality from the Bible, and someone just like van Gogh, the apostle Paul endured significant lifelong struggles as well, but his career for Christ flourished. At one point, he wrote, "We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it." (2 Corinthians 1:8). He was pretty sure the end was near, but something kept him going.
What was it that kept him going? He spelled it out for us when he wrote, "We....learned to rely only on God. We have placed our confidence in Him, and He will continue to rescue us."

Sometimes, we think our only consolation is found in a change of circumstances, by eloping to a different environment altogether in hopes of putting the issue aside, hidden and swept under the rug, but God wants to console us right in the midst of our difficult circumstances, and to do it through Christ alone. I know i'm guilty of the former, of trying to take the easy way out sometimes, and not the road less taken. And i know, i need to deal with the issue rather than keep a pretense about it.
I mean, look at Paul. Despite the shitty mess he was in, imprisonment and etc, he was free to go on ministering to others because he was not pinned down by despair or fear. He was liberated, in soul and spirit, despite being imprisoned. I, on the other hand, am very much the opposite.

I just pray that despite the bitterness i sometimes feel about life, that God would use them to mould me, that i too, just like Van Gogh, will be able to produce a work of art out of the circumstances...that shall inspire others; and at the end of the day, reap a good harvest despite the constantly weathered soil.

A timely serenade..

It was helpless anyway
there's nothing much we could do or say
but darling don't you think it's a shame?
that it had to end this way?
so here's to say goodbye
our love is lost, and we can't figure why
maybe it really is about time; that we finally made up our minds.
soon you'll build new memories
then slowly you'd forget about me
and i would slowly be a distant memory
and it hurts me to know that that's all i'll ever be
that soon i'll just be that someone you used to know
it's not an easy thing for me to shake off our history
i know that's what you want from me but they will always stay with me...

someone you used to know
by Zee Avi / Koko Kaina

If I could turn back time...

I don't know why i did the things i did, and i don't know why i said the things i said
But i wish i could turn back time and undo the damage done

I didn't really mean to hurt you
I just didn't want to see you go
But what's done is done and all that's left now is only memories of us

Can we ever go back to how we used to be?

Currently feeling...

i hung up the phone tonight
something happened for the first time deep inside
it was a rush, what a rush

'cause the possibility

that you would ever feel the same way about me

it's just too much, just too much

why do i keep running from the truth?

all i ever think about is you

you got me hypnotized, so mesmerized

and i've just got to know

do you ever think when you're all alone

all that we can be, where this thing can go?

am i crazy or falling in love?

is it real or just another crush?

do you catch a breath when i look at you?

are you holding back like the way i do?

'cause i'm trying and trying to walk away

but i know this crush ain't goin' away

has it ever crossed your mind when we're hanging, spending time
are we just friends or is there more?

it's a chance we've got to take

'cause i believe that we can make this into something that will last

last forever

** Crush, by David Archuleta

didn't really like the song at first but today, it hit me..

i've actually been feeling every bit of the lyric..

(and nothing connects me more to a song than its lyrics..)

urghh... emo...

ps. i'm really trying and trying hard to walk away..

Goodbye

Your fingertips across my skin

The palm trees swaying in the wind

Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies

The sweetest sadness in your eyes

Clever trick

We walked along a crowded street

You took my hand and danced with me

Images

And when you left, you kissed my lips

You told me you would never, never forget

These images
No

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot drive the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted

And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

The unintended gift

How can it be that someone you've known for only a brief period of time, can feel like a long-time close buddy, that you just love spending time with, share everything under the sun with, and do all sorts of crazy wacko stuff together and still feel natural being 100% yourself, with no pretend..?

I'm grateful I've found such a friendship.. unexpectedly..

Only issue now is.. will it stay? will it last?

Or was i delusional in the first place?

Because certain friendships in the past have left me broken; in question and doubt of whether a genuine friendship should ever exist. After all the effort of mending myself back, am i truly ready to trust again? only to be disappointed once again?

"Some friends come and go like a season. Others are arranged in our lives for good reason."
by Sharita Gadison


"Friends are the most important part of your life. Treasure the tears, treasure the laughter, but most importantly, treasure the memories."
by Dave Brenner

Enamorado

Tratando de quedarme fuerte y protegerme

pero sé que me enamoro sin esperanzas de usted

On dating and courtship

A pretty interesting read. I'm sure everyone has this dilemma or experience at some point in their lives. If you have experienced this personally or in second degree, I'd really like to know if you are in agreement or disagreement with the article, or your general thoughts on the matter. Both male and female perspectives are most welcomed and appreciated. Do drop a comment if you feel like it.
*Caution: It may be a long read. But do read till the end.

Who's On First? by J. Budziszewski

(Boundless Webzine - www.boundless.org/datingcourtship/)

It was only a little past 11, and the Union was almost empty. Expecting a quiet lunch, I chose a table where I could look out the window at the Quad. No sooner had I set down my tray than a familiar face materialized in front of me. "Expecting someone, Prof?" It was Mark Manasseh.

"Not at all. Pull up a chair."

He sat down with a plate of something I didn't recognize.

"What's that? Some kind of taco?"

"Haven't you ever had a gyro?" he said. "It's like a Greek taco. Gyros have been around a long time."

I shook my head. "Food has changed."

"Food isn't the only thing that's changed," he said, and lapsed into a moody silence. He chewed meditatively.

"So what else has changed?", I asked.

"Huh?"

"You said food isn't the only thing that's changed. What else has changed?"

"Oh. The rules. They're always changing them on you in the middle of the game. I can't tell who's on first any more."

"Who's 'they'? Has the Faculty Senate changed the graduation requirements again?"

"No. Actually I was thinking of a girl." He played with his gyro, then looked up. "I guess I'm not being very clear."

"Clear enough. Girl changes terms of relationship, guy confused. You don't have to explain."

"Maybe I should. We've talked about this kind of thing once before, and I could use the perspective of an, um, older person. Do you mind?"

I shook my head. "I have time. Being so old, you know."

He reddened. "I only meant — "

I laughed. "I know what you meant. Go ahead."

"There's this girl. Molly. She's a friend. But that's it: Just a friend. You know, we talk and do things together. But I talk and do things with all my friends."

"Do you talk and do things with them the same way you talk and do things with Molly?"

"Not exactly. She's a close friend." He paused. "But just a close friend."

I smiled. "Just very close."

"Right."

"And a girl."

"Right."

"When you talk and do things with her, are other people included?"

"Sometimes."

"Uh-huh."

"But I do things just with other friends too. Like I told her."

"Like you told her? How did the subject come up?"

"I'm still trying to figure that out."

"Suppose you tell me what happened."

"Well, we were hungry, so we were having a pizza together at Molto Alimento."

"Just because you were hungry."

"Why does there have to be another reason? Can't friends eat a pizza?"

"Sure."

"Anyway, we were almost done when she said something about how we've known each other for almost two years. I said yes. She said we've had a lot of fun together. I said yes. And then she said some other stuff, I don't remember what — you can't listen to everything a girl says or it would wear you out. I think I must have said yes to that too, which was probably a mistake. The next thing I knew, she was talking about how a girl needs a commitment or something. And I guess it took a few minutes for what she was saying to sink in, and I asked 'What do you mean?' And she said 'commitment' and spelled the word. And I said 'It's not like we've been dating or anything.' And she said 'What do you call it when we've been seeing each other exclusively for two years?' And I said 'What do you mean exclusively? I do things together with lots of other people.' And she said 'Not with other girls you don't' and I said 'Girls and guys both' and she said 'What girls?' And I said I couldn't think of any and she asked me why I was holding back and I said I didn't know what she was talking about and then all of a sudden she was crying and she left the table and the waiter brought the check and he looked at me like I was dogmeat and I couldn't find her and so I went home, and I keep trying to phone her but she won't return my calls and it's all I can — I mean I — well — "

He looked embarrassed and took a deep breath. "So that's why I say she changed the rules."

"From what to what?"

"What?"

"What did she change them from, and what did she change them to?"

"From friendship rules to dating rules."

"But that's not exactly what she said, is it?"

"What do you mean?"

"You quoted her as asking something like, 'What do you call what we've been doing?' So she thinks you're the one who's trying to change the rules."

"But I never said we were dating!"

"But weren't you?"

"Don't I have to think it's a date for it to be a date?"

"Do you have to think a car is a car for it to be a car?"

"This isn't like that."

"Mark, when two people of opposite sex enjoy a social activity, it's called a date."

"But it wasn't romantic."

"Not all dates are romantic, but any date is potentially romantic. That's why steady dating produces expectations, especially among girls. Life is short. Why should they waste their time dating guys who aren't serious?"

"We were never romantic."

"She thought you were."

"Yeah, well, I guess that's true."

"And are you so sure that it makes no difference to you that Molly is a girl? Would you worry like that if some guy wouldn't return your calls?"

"But she didn't say we were dating either. Not before. Once someone asked if we were dating, and she answered before I even had a chance. She just laughed and said, 'Oh, no, we're just friends.' See? She did change the rules on me."

I sighed. "Mark, these days neither girls nor guys seem to want to admit that their dates are dates. But they have different reasons for not wanting to, and those reasons kick in on different occasions."

"What do you call the reasons? Start with girls."

"I'm not sure, but I think one common reason girls today don't call dates dates is that guys today think 'date' means 'sex.' The idea of dating as courtship has almost disappeared."

"I don't pressure girls for sex."

"Does she know that?"

"She ought to. She knows I'm a Christian."

"I'm sure she knows that sexual intercourse outside of marriage is contrary to Christian principles. But a lot of so-called Christian guys do pressure girls for sex. How does she know that you won't?"

"I haven't pressured her yet, have I?"

"But you say you aren't dating, remember?"

"Oh. Well, yeah."

"She might think that one reason you haven't pressured her for sex is that up to now she's gone along with the myth that you aren't dating."

"Maybe," he admitted.

"There's another reason."

"What is it?"

"Often girls these days don't call dates dates because guys these days are so afraid of commitment. You won’t say that one doesn't apply to you."

Mark shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

"You see, the girl may feel that the only way the guy will ever court her is if he doesn't have to admit that it's courtship."

"All right, I see your point. What do you say are the guy reasons?"

"We've already covered the first one," I said. "Girls are right — guys these days are afraid of commitment. It's part of their fear of growing up. And there's another reason. Fear of failure."

"Fear of failure?"

"If you're 'just friends' and she says no to pizza, it's no big deal. But if you ask her on a pizza date and she says no, it's humiliating. To relieve the pressure, guys don't call dates dates. That's related to another girl reason. Most girls don't want to humiliate guys, so if the guy doesn't call it a date, they go along with him."

"Stop. You're bringing back memories of junior high school."

"That's just it. Some guys never quite get past that stage."

"Are there any other guy reasons?"

"There's one more, but we've covered that one too."

"We have?"

"Sure. You mentioned it yourself."

"When?"

"Right at the beginning of the conversation. You said that the rules of relationships have changed and that you can't even tell 'who's on first' any more."

"It's true."

"Of course it is. Pressure for sex, fear of commitment, fear of failure — all those things have changed the rules of relationships. Add to those things the feeling that men and women are adversaries, and things look pretty grim. No wonder guys aren't willing to call dates dates. They don't know what they might be getting into."

"Right!"

"The problem is that not calling dates dates doesn't work either."

"Why not?"

"Think of your dinner with Molly."

"Oh." Mark thought a moment. "So does anything work? What are the moves of courtship?"

* to be continued. Part 2 of the Article
Not out yet, i think...