I Miss...

The 7 things I miss...inspired by Miley Cyrus's 7 things :)

I miss traveling.

Being in New Zealand was exactly what I wanted to experience and how I wanted to feel..away from my comfort-zone a.k.a. home, meeting new people, making new friends, feeling God's love and hungering for more of Him, at peace and feeling laid-back most of the time, and the list probably goes on.. Been going through some pictures of friends and acquaintances who are overseas and I don't know why but the crave of wanting to be in their position is suddenly so strong..they look so happy and the places look great. I am envious of their opportunity to be there, to the extent of even contemplating further studies overseas (the recent drop in the forex rates seem somewhat like a good sign of approval from above as well). I really want to be somewhere else rather than where I am now. I want the chance to have a fresh start elsewhere..cos' I know I need it and it'll do me good..I realize that it's part of my personality. It's hard for me to start afresh, without being in a different place.. Some may ask, "Why do you even want to start afresh? Things ain't going well enough for you?" To be honest, certain aspects of my life doesn't feel right. Everything is okay but it still doesn't feel right. I know I'm meant to do something better than this. I know what I'm passionate about. I know that I can achieve and give so much more. It should feel right but it doesn't. And that feeling itself bugs me...to the core.. Others say "It's all in the mind! Can't you just imagine you're somewhere else and still start afresh?" Hello! Easier said than done! If my imaginations and power of the mind were that great and powerful, I'd be writing novels, directing a movie and doing acting! But while writing this post, I realize that perhaps, it is my will for change that isn't strong enough. I mop around in emo-ness but I don't do anything to get out of that state. And this is something many of us actually do, consciously and subconsciously. But anyhow, to sum it all in a lighter note, before it gets too lengthy and emofying, traveling is definitely something I'm very much passionate about. It inspires me in so many ways..so many ways.. :)

I miss school days.

I had the best time of my life in school. Great environment, great friends, great teachers, great almost everything! but not in university, surprisingly! For some, it's the other way around. I suppose I never really made the effort to make my university days a blast. Possibly one of my biggest regrets in life is not making the most of uni days; not living life to the fullest when I could.
Back in school, it was all natural. We were naturally crazier, naturally closer, naturally fun people to be with..
Hard to believe but believe it. I was once so fun to be with! Everything we did always had a dosage of fun and laughter in it. I remember having a friend comment that I was a little too hyper too. Sadly, not anymore though..unless I'm with the right bunch of friends :) I really miss that part of me.. I really miss those days and friends back then..why do people change? why do circumstances change us? why is it so difficult to relive those moments and rekindle that connection once again? why oh why..

I miss eating KFC.

Enough said. It's been too long a wait. I shall treat myself TONIGHT, by hook or crook. Can't wait till' we're face to face again, oh KFC.. :)

I miss my teenage love affair.

Bitter-sweet moments. Nothing says it better than this.

"Can't wait to get home, baby dial your number
Can you pick up the phone; cause I wanna holla
Daydreamin' bout you, all day in school
Can't concentrate, wanna hear your voice in my ear
Till momma come and say it's too late
Cause the lights are on outside
Wish there was somewhere to hide
Cause I just don't want to say goodbye

Hey boy, you know I really like being with you
Just hanging out is fun.."

I miss Cambodia!

Cambodia Missions Exposure Trip, 2006. Great experience, great bunch of people I went with, had so much unexpected fun, great food and of course....great EXPOSURE! It's really a humbling experience to see how the Cambodian kids can still stay cheery and happy despite their predicaments. They showed such great depth of brotherly "agape" love for us, like we were never strangers in their lives, but brothers and sisters.. Being in Cambodia was a good wake-up call.
I wish I had a time-machine. Cos' I don't ever want to forget the lessons learnt, the times spent, and the friendship made. :)

I miss growing.

I've stopped growing taller! Any growth observed would only be sideways, how unfortunate. I think I had a growth spurt once in Form 3. Ai Ming, a classmate actually thought she was shrinking because I got taller than her! haha! Yups! Had that big glee on me when I heard her say that. Anyway, it was only that one time and then it stopped. I've been the same height for ages now. I really do miss growing :(

I miss having a flat tummy.

I've seriously put on some weight. Some say it's good cos' I look better, not like some scrawny bulimic person but I have mixed feelings about it. There's an extra burden. I now need to worry about concealing my "2-months" tummy. Haha! I'm too lazy to exercise too. And my appetite is crazy! My cravings are like raging hormones! My bad..

* Finally, it's done ...

Memoirs

I've come to realize that certain memories of the past are beginning to fade. I can only remember vaguely the incidents that happened in the past, both good and bad ones. But yet, I doubt the vague recollection of these memories that I have. Did it really happen that way or am I just remembering it the way I want to, with a pinch of salt, giving it a much bearable "taste" with a slight added deviation to the truth?

To be honest, I can't remember any incident or happenings of my life with clear definition. They all seem to be in gray, slightly blurred at certain angles, just like an old television with undefined reception. Is this a common phenomenon? I really don't know..

I've come to realize too that it's easy to forget, because there's only so much our brains can store but the feelings accompanying the incidents usually linger for a much longer time. I clearly remember how certain incidents left me feeling, but I can only remember vaguely the words said, or the actions done. I can't quote them in accuracy and that bothers me.

There is an old adage which goes "with time, comes healing" (or maybe something along those lines) which I find true only to a certain extend.
(Speaking only about the bad experiences) I believe I've healed from the bitterness of the past. I don't sob myself to sleep every night anymore, and neither do I let it affect me in great measure. Whatever it is, it's not bugging me 24/7 anymore. Perhaps, it is safe to say that I have moved on, no longer exhibiting the living-in-the-present-but-dwelling-in-the-past symptom. Yet, personally and honestly, I know there's still a small part of me holding on to that tiny fraction of the past, that I have yet to fully let go of it all. Instead of being weighed down by 100 kilos of remorse, disappointment and insecurity, it has probably been decreased to about 10 kilos.. (i hope)

Anyway, it's a daily process and I'm still learning to let go, to accept the fact that not every beautiful beginning in a story has a guaranteed happy ending; as much as one may hope for it to because who knows what the great Author of our lives has in mind for this story of ours. I do not like the ending of some of the stories I've had, but I've also come to realize that resistance is futile. The plot's been played, and the stage's been graced. I just pray and hope that circumstances and most importantly, divine intervention would lead me to another book, another story, a different chapter of my life but with great reading pleasure altogether.

Disclaimer:
I'm not being emotional but rather, enticed by certain events of life to reflect.
Penning my thoughts down eases my brain capacity a little and acts as a back-up drive in the event I get dementia/dementic and forget it all. I just want to be able to remember all the bits and pieces of my life.

I am driving up 85 in the
kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
just stuck inside the gloom

Four more exits to my apartment but
I am tempted to keep the car in drive
and leave it all behind

Cause I wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why, why Georgia, why?

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
wood in places to make it feel like home
but all I feel's alone
It might be a quarter life crisis
or just the stirring in my soul

Either way, I wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why, why Georgia, why?

So what, so I've got a smile on me
but it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don't believe me
Don't believe me
When I say I've got it down

Everybody is just a stranger but
that's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pay
still "Everything happens for a reason"
is no reason not to ask myself

If I'm living it right
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why, tell me why
Why, why Georgia why?

* Why Georgia, by John Mayer

Through It All

The Lord faithfully provides again.

He turned my shortcomings into something others saw as beauty, as a gift.

He turned my mourning into dancing; and my worries into joy.

He gave me courage, hope and support in so many ways when i least expected it.

I knew.
All i had to do was to trust and wait upon Him, cos no way i was gonna make it on my own.

All credit goes to Him, cos i don't deserve any of it.



O Lord, I wanna sing of Your faithfulness to me!
Thank you for seeing me through it all...

A testimony...

About 3 weeks ago, I was approached by SirLoh to worship lead for BB Sunday. The both of us had done it together last year in 2007 and because there was a wedding just days before it, I got myself a sorethroat, a really bad one (thanks to the yaaaam-sengggg sessions). I was thinking to myself, "How am I gonna sing? with a croaky voice, there's no way I can lead the congregation to genuinely worship God. I'm only going to be a hindrance, a stumbling block". Not forgetting, we had a song presentation too and I had a solo part, and was to be the first to sing. "I am so gonna screw it up!", that was what I kept telling myself. Thankfully, I managed to pull through the 2 services in the Subang church, and even got some good feedback from the congregation! I was thankful, and grateful. Then, came the next challenge. We had to do the same thing for the Pantai church, another 2 services. That week, my voice was at its worst. Nothing I did helped. I managed the first service but when it came to the second service, I gave up. I literally had no voice coming out of me. I got someone to replace me at the very last minute to sing, while I continued to lead the musicians downstage.

And so, when SirLoh approached me to do it again this year, I had second thoughts. Because I didn't think I was good enough to do it all on my own this time. But as usual, he's rather persistent and because of my love for music, I was inclined to say yes. And so, with BB Sunday 2008 just 2 weeks away, practices went underway. We met up almost every night to practice and guess what?? Mr. sorethroat decided to give me a visit, AGAIN! I was so convinced that I was jinxed and that God really didn't want me to worship lead because the cycle repeated itself again. The same time, the same symptoms, the same team of musicians, the same ME, the same situation, the same event! Everyone questioned why I was having sorethroat again, just like last year but yet, they were very encouraging at the same time. Always praying for my throat, my voice and telling me to stay away from late night mamak sessions, cold drinks, kissing (ish,not that I have anyone to kiss at the moment), fried and spicy food,and etc etc etc.. I really didn't want to screw it up this time and disappoint those who entrusted me with this responsibility.

I started taking all sorts of preventive measures. Bought tonnes of hacks sweet (supposedly good for sorethroat), visited the coffee shop every night for some honey lime drink, not singing in the shower too much and too loudly, and of course, not singing aloud while driving. The outcome? It didn't go away! Anyway, came that Sunday morning, D-Day and when I woke up, I croaked! I couldn't sing properly. I had loads of phlegm in my throat and I was trying my utmost best to spit them all out! Tried singing and my sister said "OMG, you're so doomed! How are you gonna worship lead like that?"
I was panicking. It just had to be today that my voice is at its worst again. That was when it crossed my mind. Worship isn't about me singing well, it's about leading others to genuine worship to God. I shouldn't worry because my voice, isn't and shouldn't be the focus, but God is. And I said a prayer. "God, if it's Your will that I have a sorethroat, so be it. Whether it's my croaky voice or not, let me just praise You and worship You with all that I am. But I will wait on You, Lord and hope for a miracle, for a speedy miracle, even if there's only 2 hours left before I get on that stage and lead the congregation for worship. I will trust You, God. Because, that's all I can do. It's too late to rely on my own strength. And I'm sorry I ever did rely on my own efforts. Help me, Lord. Amen."

He did help me. He answered my prayer. My voice wasn't at its best but neither was it at its worst anymore. When I sang those hymns of love to Him, I didn't really think about the sorethroat anymore. It went alright, perhaps well too, according to some of the feedbacks I got from some of the church members. But there was this one incident. An uncle, probably in his 60s, came up to me personally and commented on my voice. He encouraged me to sing more in church, to serve God with my voice..That comment made my day. It made me realize and acknowledge even more how great our God is, that He can so effortlessly turn my predicaments into something that inspires others. But more importantly, that He is a faithful God. To be honest, this experience humbled me a lot. I owe a big gratitude to the entire worship team as well, for backing me up always, having so much faith in me and putting on their best in talent for God. Wouldn't have made it without them.

I am considering to help out in the worship team, but I am still undecided. But one thing I do know, is that singing is something I'm passionate about, although I am definitely not in the league and likes of Alicia Keys, Avril and all the other big names of people with power voices. I love singing, and I wanna sing for Him, for the rest of my days.

" I'll sing to You, Lord, a hymn of love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all "

The Triplets

Roxy, Rayanne and Russell :)
latest addition to the family. poops just about anywhere and anytime.
small but fearless.

ahh...smittened to the max

woke up one morning and found her lying on the floor like that..
its like she's trying to tell a message
ain't the first time i've caught her sleeping in that position!
totally adorable :)

she thinks she's slim and small enough to sleep in her food case!
tsk tsk tsk..

Ahh..who doesn't like pictures? They speak a thousand words, arouse a thousand thoughts, and yield a thousand feelings. They S.A.Y. a thousand things! Anyway, pictures are courtesy of Soo's cam..some of the best shots i like :) Not too bad a place to visit after all..

And some syok-sendiri pictures of myself of course ;p

My Cycling Adventure

Soo : Eh, let's go cycling! Bukit Cahaya..want?
Ally : Can! *Yay, it'll be my first outing with my colleagues!*

So on Monday, everyone in the office was on Skype discussing on the right day to go cycling, a day that could accommodate everyone. As usual, it is just so difficult to meet everyone's timing. To cut a long story short, only 2 of us ended up going, carrying on with the cycling plan.
pathetic? yups!! ;p

Finally came Saturday morning, the day we were supposedly to go cycling. Went all the way to Bukit Cahaya, Shah Alam, paid the entrance fee and waited outside the bicycle rental shop. We waited for about 1 1/2 hours, still no sign of the fella who's suppose to buka kedai..so Soo's bf went and ask and the counter guys said that the fella probably balik kampung already. But hello??!! we called them before the Raya break and asked whether they'd be open on Saturday and they said yes! Arghh... ok, nevermind..be positive..since we're already there, might as well go have a look of the place. So we took a shuttle bus to the top and decided to walk down from there. Mind you, it was a really long walk because we didn't just walk along the main road.. we ventured onto some paths inside which led us even more deeper into the forest..into the 4 seasons attraction place and the watch tower oh so high up..

Again, to cut the long story short.. we finally made it down..and guess what we saw to our suprise? There was a bunch of people with bicycles!! Some were choosing, some already cycling.. ARGHHH..how dissapointing! that fella baru buka kedai! if it wasn't because we all had to rush of by noon for our next respective appointments, we would have cycled..the fact that we all set out so enthusiastically to Bukit Cahaya to cycle and we didn't manage to..sigh..but oh wells, to be positive..there's always next time! :)

On another side note, after all the walking and burning my fats, I rushed for BB.
Decided to have lunch with the band people so i called Seki up and he said they were in McDs.
So that was where i headed to.
Purposely parked my car in the Taman Jaya park and walk to Amcorp Mall to keep those fats burning but once i got to McDs, i ate like a pig (as usual)..
Thankfully, i had to walk back to my car situated oh so far from Amcorp. Haha, hopefully, that short walk burned away some fats..but i doubt so, because just like every other saturdays, i had trouble fitting into my uniform..
Mum says it's time to visit the tailor again :(