God speaks

God speaks, indeed.

Day before yesterday, I was emotionally distressed with a certain group of people. Their selfish act filled me with so much anger and hatred, to the extent of causing me to really consider transferring. It was such a pain to the soul and a struggle to brush the emotions away.

I met up with Mee Gee later that day for dinner and shared with her my story. And surprisingly, she's been through a similar situation as well. And she understands why I acted the way I did. Because, it's human nature. I shared with Sam when I was driving on my way home and when I got home, I shared with Mom too. So, point is, I was greatly affected by what happened that I couldn't stop thinking about it and felt the need to vent so much. When I got to bed that night, I don't remember spending time praying about it. It was probably a super short prayer and then I fell asleep.

2 days later, which is today, I'm sitting here in my office, and there's this innate inclination to just spend time in devotion, before starting any work. And so I did. The devotion message was so timely and apt, and it spoke of what I was going through.. literally.

Here's what it says.

*****

We’re tempted to fixate on all kinds of things: our image, another person’s opinion of us, our success or our failures. When things go poorly for us (bad health news or relational disappointments or financial woes), we search everywhere and look to anyone in a failing attempt to figure out how to change our situation. We try very hard to save ourselves.

The psalmist knew serious trouble. He spoke of violent men who were hunting him down, “snarling like vicious dogs” (Psalm 59:6). Their assaults were not merely physical: “Their words cut like swords,” he wrote (v.7). Do you feel as if someone is after you or as if some circumstance has consumed you? Are you experiencing a relationship that’s painful, that cuts to your soul?

Rather than working frantically to find your own remedy (which never ultimately works), Scripture invites you to turn to God, knowing that He’s the only One who can rescue you. The psalmist encourages us to quiet our heart, turn fully to God, and proclaim, “I watch for You” (v.9 NIV). We don’t watch for ourselves or our friend or our spouse. Our true help doesn’t come from these sources. We watch for God. —Winn Collier

*****

Reflecting back, that was exactly what I did. Turn to everyone/anyone available and share my problems with them, hoping they'd give me a good advice or suggest a way out, that would help make me feel better. I TRIED SO HARD TO SAVE MYSELF, WITH MY OWN FINITE MEANS AND STRENGTH.

But as usual, to no avail.

I know what I needed to do, to be still, quiet and commit the entire situation into God's hands, yet, at that moment, I allowed the circumstance to consume me, to cloud my judgment and affect my actions. I just couldn't get out. I just couldn't be still.

And here's what another devotion I read said, doubly affirming what God wants me to know and do.

*******

He promised, “Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you” (John 14:27). He told us to turn the other cheek, go the extra mile, forgive offenses, reject greed, tolerate each other’s weaknesses, live to serve and love one another as He has loved us. It seems that in large part, peace is up to us. Paul verifies that in Romans 12:18, “As much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” This Christmas, let’s make peace our gift to the world in which we live as we reflect the Prince of Peace.- Joe Stowell

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. —John 14:27

*******

Living in peace with others is not an easy task and it's easier said or read than done. But I will try.

I don't really know what to write about anymore.

And i realize, I can't write as fluently as before.

That's bad.

Oh MUSE, where for art thou?

of quotes

We find courage to stand when we kneel before the Lord. ODB

It is better to write for self and have no public, than to write for public and have no self. Chris Connolly

This week has been an interesting one indeed, with fascination and observations inclined towards wise quotes. I find some of the quotes rather interesting for 2 reasons, firstly, the oxymoronic way they are written and secondly, because they resonate with certain issues I've been thinking about.

Side note:

The year's coming to an end real quickly!

RSA Animate : True & Inspirational!

The suprising truth about what motivates us and SMILE or DIE.

The Royal Society of Arts (RSA) is superbly amazing and awesome.

It's so weird that i can't tell where life's heading when it comes to ministry and work but i know it so well within me that spending my life with you is what i'm meant to do.

I see us making plans and starting a family together, a vision so real and certain and empowering that everything else just fades out of focus like a blurred background of a picture.

The distance is such a difficult thing to cope with and yet ironically, it gets easier each day missing you because even though it's one day further from the last time we met, it's also one day closer to the next time we'll meet again.

When will i see you again?

When will our prayers be answered?

They decided to withdrew the offer, because of my indecisiveness.

They wanted someone convicted. And i clearly showed I wasn't.

I was too honest perhaps, with my insecurity and doubts.

Yeah, I'm really upset about it, yet, I know, it's for the better.

I don't know if this is God's way of interfering and helping me to decide since I can't.

But damnit! I'm still upset!!

Disappointment.

Indecisiveness.

Ego.

Hope

HOPE

Taking Risks

A month plus ago, I saw an advertisement by The Star hiring for journalists in the northern branch. I read through the requirements and pondered on the possibility of applying for it; taking the particular clipping out and keeping it together with my stack of miscellaneous notes within the organizer. Then came the next day, and as I went through the same routine of going through the classifieds section, I came across the very same ad. This probably went on for about a week plus and every time I came across the advertisement, there was this particular feeling growing within; a nagging nudge to just take the plunge and go for it, with no expectations whatsoever. And so i succumbed, after much pressure from within, telling me that I would regret had I not attempt to even apply.

I clearly remember that night when I sat in front of the television while drafting the cover letter. I spent hours trying to pen my thoughts and words as best as I could to justify my application (since I came from an entirely different background of education and work experience) and all I had to back me up was the little exposure I had being in the Editorial Board and the occasional writing I did for The Boys' Brigade, coupled with proclaimed passion for this field. I've always envision myself being part of a publication when I was younger, but because of the lack of confidence in myself and my writing, I never pursued it with great enthusiasm. All that being said, that night, I was really proud of myself for writing quite an awesome cover letter. At least, to my own opinion. :)

So just a day before the application dateline ended, I took a day's leave from work and got myself on a bus to the northern office, to submit my application by hand. Mom asked me why I had to go all the way up to deliver my application by hand, and honestly, I don't know why I decided so. Perhaps, it was for the sake of assurance that they would receive my application and it wouldn't go missing in the mail or the application be forfeited because it arrived past the dateline.

2 weeks later, I got a call, asking me to go for an interview AND writing test. Because of my Jakarta work trip, I had to re-schedule to an earlier date, just 2 days before my Jakarta trip. When I was up in Penang for BB PESTA, I thought it would be convenient to kill 2 birds with one stone and attend the interview then too. But, then again, a later date would give me ample of time to prepare for the writing test. So i opted to make yet another trip up on a separate day the following week.

Because of all the rush in completing 5 days worth of pending work, as well as for the Jakarta and Singapore trip, I had no time to prepare properly for the writing test. Everyday was just passing in such a quick pace and when I realized, it was already a day before my interview and I hadn't even booked my bus ticket yet! I panicked and all the scrutiny that I had to endure that day didn't make it any easier. But by God's grace, I managed to get a ticket, and print some notes on journalism to read while on the bus.

The big day came and rain came down. (Cool, it kinda rhymes) The entire state was in a massive traffic jam and stand still for hours because of the heavy rain and one particular massive accident, and so, instead of being driven to the place of interview as initially planned, I had to drop my friend off at work and drive myself there with reliance only on the GPS. What a way to start the day. I was really upset because of all the unforeseen circumstances but again, thankfully, it all worked out..from the lost driving, to the interview and to the writing test.

I'd like to think I did my best with little expectations of the outcome. Why? Cos' part of me hoped I would get it, while another part of me hoped I wouldn't get it so that I wouldn't need to face the dilemma of taking it up and leaving my current employment or rejecting the offer. I'm weird like that. And i do not like dilemmas! :)

To cut the long story short, I got called yesterday to go to the KL headquarters for medical check-up. Out of 12 applicants, 5 were shortlisted and I am one of the lucky ones. Good news in some ways and bad in some other ways. It's a really tough decision to make as it would mean leaving behind all that I have here, and pursuing something entirely different which I may or may not excel in. It is the insecurity of the future that scares me. I do not want to make a wrong decision and regret it, knowing how ways lead on to ways and how this decision will affect my life's direction.

I am, at a crossroad, a fork in the road.
"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry I could not travel both." - Robert Frost

It is at times like this, that I wished God spoke to me even more. His opinion is what matters most to me. If He decides I should leave and take up this opportunity, I would, even if it means receiving objection from family, and bosses. But if He decides I should stay and let this interesting opportunity pass, I would, even if it means regretting for awhile for not allowing myself to explore something new. My fear of making a decision is not because I fear the responsibility and consequence that comes with it, but because I fear making a decision that will displease Him.

Funny how a close friend asked me this when I told her of my situation. "Did you pray to God telling Him that if He makes a way and opens the door, that would be a sign of His approval for you to take it up?" Of which i answered, "Yes."

And as I read ODJ last night before going to bed, this particular passage and devotion that I read first randomly, caught my attention. Maybe this is His way of comforting me and guiding me with this situation.

**************

ODJ: RISK TAKERS

July 4, 2010
Read: Joshua 1 : 1 - 9

One of the saddest accounts in the Bible is 
 recorded in the Old Testament book of Numbers
 (chapters 13-14). It’s the story of the Israelites who had previously been miraculously delivered from a life of backbreaking slave labor in Egypt.


This generation had witnessed the 10 plagues in Egypt and God parting the Red Sea (Exodus 7-14). For nearly 2 years, they journeyed through the wilderness following a pillar of cloud during the day and a pillar of fire at night. And every day God caused manna and quail to fall from the sky (Exodus 16). He even kept their clothes from wearing out as they endured the elements and strain of desert life (Deuteronomy 8:4).


That’s impressive!


And now, as we tune into Numbers 13, we see that God finally had His people on the verge of conquering the Promised Land—and they wouldn’t do it. Outside of Caleb and Joshua, the leaders refused to step up to the challenge. They said that the Canaanites were too big and powerful. They told the people they were like “giants” and referred to themselves as “grasshoppers” (vv.31-33).


As a result, God made them wander aimlessly around the wilderness for 38 years (within a few miles of their God-given destiny) until their generation died off. 


How tragic! God had rescued them and led them to a new life in a new land. But they refused to take a risk with Him. 


If there is one thing that the stories of the Bible tell us again and again, it is this: Following the God of the universe into the purpose of our lives always involves meaningful levels of risk (Joshua 1:6-9). 


Taking a bold and gutsy risk is not the absence of faith. Sometimes it’s an expression of our faith in Him. —Jeff Olson

"This is my command. Be strong and courageous.
Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged,
for the Lord Your God will be with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9

What do you think God is telling me?

That whatever I decide, He is with me. Whether i take it up, or not.

Or is He telling me that I should take this risk and trust Him?

Sporting and completely hilarious

POKER FACE | Lady Gaga (Acapella)

LDR

Today marks the first day.
I feared and dreaded the coming of this day.

But resistance is futile. It was inevitable.

A test from above, perhaps.

It's not going to be easy.

It's not going to be as it used to be.

But i need to remain optimistic and wait upon God.

It's all I can do.

Shrek peek

Donkey > Puss : You are a CATastrophe!

Puss > Donkey : You are riDONKulous!

LOL! hahahahahaha

Lost and confused.again.

It's really frustrating when you don't know what your direction is in life. Some people say, "Claim your life! You decide who you want to be". Is it truly so? Do we really have the deciding power, or Him above? Some say, God gives us options in life, and we need to be accountable for the decisions we make. He gives us the freedom of choice. But I've also heard of and done prayers saying that "not my will be done, but Yours". The latter implies that God has a will or purpose for each and everyone of us already. So then, it brings me back to the question, who decides our direction in life? Option A: We do. B. God does. C. It's a mix of both. Setting a direction for our own lives is an action resulting from the authority we think we have upon our life. But if we are believers of Christ, this life we have isn't exactly ours, it was ransomed and made new in Christ. We live because of His grace and mercy. Our lives belong to Him. So do we then have the rights to exercise such authoritative power on the decisions we make concerning our life? Then again, not everyone has the gift of hearing God speak to them and telling them if the decisions made are right or wrong. So it's pretty much going by faith!

These thoughts are somewhat contradictory and non-conclusive. And i'm back at square one again.

My point is, i just feel really lost. I've been working for more than 1 1/2 years, and I'm nearly quarter a century old, and I still don't know what my passion in life is, what do i want to major in, what's my direction in life etc etc etc. If i plan for tomorrow, it is as though i'm disrespecting God and boasting about tomorrow when my life is indeed uncertain. But on the other side of the coin, how can one live a purposeful and fulfilling life without setting directions and goals?

Again, square one.

And ever as lost.

Maybe i'm reading between the lines too much. Sigh.

Paragliding @ Penang

This will be ME someday.

And that day is coming soon :)

Can't wait !!

Counting down till that blissful thrilling day arrives...

An experience worth remembering

A month ago, Joshua (Sam's brother) asked if I could help out with his church wedding decoration because the person who was suppose to do it, well, couldn't do it. So as terrifying and desperate as the request sounded, I was actually jumping for joy within because I've never had the experience of being part of a wedding's plan and processes! Plus, it was always a childhood dream of mine to be a wedding planner someday ;)

So, the entire month of planning and sourcing for materials was really stressful, especially with the given budget of RM400 only. But it all worked out well. The effort paid off and it was alot of fun!

Here are pictures of my first stint as a church wedding decorator :)

If you are pleased with the outcome, I'm open for hire in the future!

the aisle (of garlands, fake roses, organza ribbons, and real flower petals)

an upclose shot of the aisle (again)

i just love how the garlands droop at the end of the aisle

pretty :)

right after the ceremony (and probably during as well) kids were dismantling the tiny flower bouquets on the aisle and making it their own!

the stage

2 standees made of red roses and white pom poms, creeping ivy leaves and rose petals

The theme of the church wedding was actually WINE & CHAMPAGNE.

Do you think the deco met the theme? Did it give you the vibe of a vineyard wedding?

I really wanted to do a wooden stick arch, cos I thought that would do the trick but we really had no time and the bride and groom wanted something really minimalistic. Anyhows, i'm glad they liked the final outcome.

*******************

Being part of this wedding plan was really a blessing and a testimonial worth sharing.

Because the budget was so tight, we decided that buying real flowers were way cheaper than fake flowers, especially for the stage deco and the flower standees. Getting the professionals, ie. florist to do it would cost even more. So Sam and I, being all confident that we can do it on our own, we went by faith and did the flower arrangements by ourselves the day before the wedding. After several hours of trying around, i realized we couldn't do it. Our arrangements were so unprofessionally looking and odd. The real thing came out so different from how we envisioned it to be.

So being the worry freak I am, I was really stressed out and emo and panicky. Joshua and Tina deserved something nice, and their entire family and relatives knew I was going to be the decorator. I had to live up to the expectations! I was just so down and emo, and at the verge of giving up. I was also partially annoyed with the wedding coordinator cos it was her suggestion in the first place to go DIY and experiment together. Yet, instead of coming at 4pm, she only came at 8pm!

(When i'm stressed up, I get easily annoyed and pissed off, so yeah, maybe she's not entirely at fault, but it was a big deal to me because the mood i was in aggravated the feelings even more)

Anyhow, she came at 8pm, saw the damage done, and tried to fix it. She suggest we go for a break and take our dinner and so we did. Throughout dinner, I was just thinking and talking to God, pleading for a miracle that when we get back after dinner, He would bless me with green fingers and I would be able to turn things around for good. It took courage to admit to Him that I know I'm really not as good as I think I could be. Truth be told, the situation humbled me.

When i came back after dinner, and saw how she salvaged the damage we had done, I felt really guilty for thinking badly of her in the first place. She's always so smiley, even when the situation was stressful, and she's never NOT smiling. I felt so ashamed of myself cos I'm like the total opposite.

HOWEVER, her being equally inexperienced as we are, the arrangement that she did, though nice, was way too tiny to be placed at the stage. And that's when God intervened, literally.

No, He didn't bless me with green fingers for the next 4 hours, but He sent us a florist, in the most unexpected way! It was Good Friday and just after service, this lady saw us working on the flowers and when we told her our problem, she said she could help us fix it, and make the arrangement look a little bigger! After talking to her a little, getting to know her better, she told us she actually owned a florist a long time ago! Praise GOD!!!!

She helped us out so much that she stayed from 9 pm till 12 pm (with her husband and kids) and got both the standees and the bridesmaid bouquets done! And it looked professionally done, because she was a professional! Praise God, again! Because of her help, I could concentrate on doing up the hall and the other decorations, and Sam could finish up his bestman speech. That night, when we finished up everything, I could rest in peace.

God is just so awesome.

I was proud, and He humbled me, for my own good. But He didn't just stop there. He provided a way out for me as well. What amazing love, and abounding grace. All praise be to God, seriously.

It really was an encouragement for me. And that's why I'm sharing this testimony to all.

Our God is real, and always dependable upon. Remember that, always.

2 Corinthians 12:9 -> "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

The 2-minute rhyme

It's great when we both have Skype to talk endlessly with at work. :)

And i present to you, my 2-minute impromptu poem made to rhyme..

"my heart cries out to you,oh romeo..

my every being aches being apart from you..

our love is like milk and oreo..

just as i am better only when with you.."

haha! good one, isn't it?

BUT... i was mistaken to be a racist! haha, calling him oreo and me milk.

Now, back to work... :(

Emo-nya...i feel like quitting...sitting in the office can be such a bore sometimes..

come clean

I wonder if I'll ever get the courage to point out the issue and come clean with how I feel about this. I do feel like neglected. I do feel like we've drifted apart. I do feel left out in all the outings that they had or are planning to have. Since when was i out of the group? Since when did asking no longer became a habit?

Being honest in a relationship/friendship is never an easy thing. If you're too honest, there's a risk of hurting the other party, of things taking a different turn. But honesty is still vital, because a relationship/friendship without honesty is like a stage-play. And that's exactly how I feel about us, right now. We're all acting to be nice to each other. But honestly, there's no genuine feelings of love and care for each other.

The truth hurts. Reality bites. And sometimes, the truth needs to be "treated" before it is let out. But once treated, it is never entirely 100% truth anymore.

Offense / Defense

Confrontation - to do or not to?

What would you do?
Be empathetic and ignorant of the situation, or defend yourself and make the first approach?

Would you play offense or defense?

Would you take the chance when the stakes are high?

Or would you just walk away from it all, completely? Cutting all cords..

Conscience vs expectations - which would you lean on?

There's a fine line to it all.

Valentine love

Happy Be-earlieth Valentines Day & Chinese New Year!

As Valentine's Day draws closer, and knowing we probably won't be able to spend the occasion together due to the CNY festivity, the very thought of having found love in someone as special as him makes me content.

Having someone who keeps calling you "wifey", telling you how beautiful and sexy you are even when your face is pimply and you've been putting on those extra kilos around the waist, and being able to know your thoughts even before you can say them out aloud; these are the simple things that remind me of how blessed I am by God.

It's like God sending me a huge parcel via airmail, with a note attached saying;
"His name is Samuel. Hope you like him, my dear! Took Me awhile to source for this amazing gift for you but it's well worth it."

And who doesn't love suprises and amazing presents! :)
No doubt, the period of waiting for it could have been painful and testing at times - but I'm a firm believer that everything will eventually work out according to His plan.. sooner or later..

So thank you, God - for loved ones.. family, sam, and some friends..
These are the people that keep me going each day, making it easier when life gets hard.
And i love 'em loads. :)

The life equation

What is LIFE?
Some pretty interesting equation of life I got of the internet revealed this of life.

Life + Love = Happy ........ equation (1)
Life - Love = Sad ............. equation (2)

Adding both the equations, (1) + (2) yields:
Love and love cancels. Hence,

2(Life) = Happy + Sad ...... equation (3)

Dividing equation (3) by 2 :

Life = (Happy + Sad) / 2
Life = (Happy/2) + (Sad/2)

Hence,

Life = 1/2 Happy + 1/2 Sad.

Is there a note on my forehead which says "punching bag" ??
Just because you had a bad day, and feel the need to vent, that doesnt give you the freakin right to hurl insensitive comments at me, and expect me to feel alright? to feel numb?
Hello!! I'm not a robot, I have feelings! emotions!
How would you feel if i did the same to you? Hurt, right?
Argghhhh!!! So freakin pissing off..
It's not like i had any part in you making those mistakes, so why the hell are u letting it out on me?
So much for being the good friend and highlighting the problem to you before it gets worse, and yet, u think i have some sort of agenda??!!! You think i'm being bossy/nosy??!!!
Like WTHH???!!!
Workplace just doesn't feel great anymore.
I want to tell you off so much, yet, i cant.. cos thats just not me..
I dont make enemies for fun.
I suffer in silence and let it get to me.
I hope you learn your lesson soon enough.

Of good shoes

They say...

" Shoes are important. Because good ones take you to good places."

I've yet to find my pair of good shoes..

Kuantan roadtrip (28-30 Dec 2009)

Finally, it happened. After several years of delay, I finally got to make it happen. Kuantan, there I went.

It was a semi-backpack trip since we had to explore the place on our own due to some unforeseen circumstance. But it was all good. Ideally, it was meant to be an adventurous roadtrip as well. And I mean adventurous in the sense of camping by the beach (within the designated campsite,of course) and eating all sorts of seafood. But due to unforeseen circumstances again, it became a not-so adventurous trip in the end. Probably more of a chilling relaxing therapeutic trip. But it's all good nonetheless..

Kuantan is known for their beaches, their waves, seafood, and the local Malay delicacies like Keropok Lekor. We were on a craze for beaches and so, we decided to check out each and every one of the beaches. Out of a list of 5 beaches, only 1 was good..that is, Telok Chempedak. Pictures below are taken from Telok Chempedak.

TC is basically the coolest hang out spot in Kuantan, at all times, day AND night. In the morning, you see family taking strolls along the beach, playing in the sand, sitting by the shore of the beach and by night, you see mostly couples and friends taking a night stroll along the beach. What makes it even more awesome is the fact that McDs and KFC are just a walk away! *drools*

The thing I enjoyed most about Kuantan was being hit by the waves. The waves were so crazy that no one ever swims in the sea. Only the surfer dudes along with their surfboard dared make entry to the fierce sea. It was almost like re-watching Discovery Channel's cover story of 2006's tsunami, but this time, live.. scary i tell you!
So what we did was sit on the part of the beach where the waves would ripple off, thinking it would be safer than being in the waters. And boy, did we underestimated the waves! Even at such a distance, the waves hit us so hard that we were never steady in one spot. The suction power when the wave subsided was also scary, because it pulled us into the water at such great speed and power. All my life, having been to so many beaches and islands, I've never seen anything quite like TC's waves. Awesomeness it was.

The other beaches were in stark contrast to TC. Dead, lifeless, dirty, boring. And we drove 30km just to get to it. Major disappointment. Road signs were hopeless too. And, Cherating was crazily far as well so we decided to give it a miss. Sigh.. I really wanted to see the turtle shelter, and make batik. Oh well, this means I'll definitely be going back next time! :)

The only regrets I have were not being able to take much pictures of the waves (since I was busy being hit by the waves and paranoid that people walking on the beach would just run away with my bag and valuables); and waking up early to catch sunrise on the beach and take an awesome photograph of it. It still bugs me.

Anyway, pictures below! :)

"For my part, I travel not to go anywhere, but to go.

I travel for travel's sake. The great affair is to move."

Robert Louis

I love this Robert Louis guy. He speaks my mind literally.

(",)