random ramblings

So..its New Year's Eve..hmm..WHAT ARE MY PLANS??

My boss, Mr. J called (that was really random of him..but oh well..its a good thing i guess?) and asked what are my plans for New Year's Eve and i said i had no plans! (why did i have to be so stupidly honest?!! then again, we're not suppose to lie..) and he went "What??!! No plans?? Come on! You're still young! etc etc etc.."
And there i was..given a lecture (all the way from Singapore) on how i should be enjoying life and doing something because i am still young of age..sighz..now he must think i;m some boring girl!

i kinda regret not lying. i should have said i was going to have some drinks and chill out with some friends, but i didn't. would he even bring me for social outings next time? haha..i doubt it.. but talking about having some drinks and chilling out, i really want to do that.. i guess i just don't know who to call?
siv told me he wanted to introduce me to his bunch of close friends but i havent heard from him for 5 days now..and he's all the way in JB.. wow, another disappointment i guess.. how things have abruptly changed in such a short duration of time. but that's life. i dont want to be depressing about it but naturally, i become depressed about it. sucky feeling totally..

met up with some high school mates and some of them are pretty good drinkers. its the drinking that helps them socialise and meet more people. sometimes, it seems like drinking makes them happy too. from the outside it seems as though people who drink are really happy cheery people. are they?? this isn't a good thought but sometimes..i do wish i belong in that category as well..an inner desire to be a competent alcoholic drinker.

while driving to work, every radio station was practically talking about resolutions. honestly, i cant even remember my resolutions for this year! how frustrating.. and demoralising..

i wanted to see the doctor yesterday but i waited for 45 minutes and the doctor hasnt even arrived. i gave up waiting and drove away.. my flu got worse (as usual) and this time, while blowing my nose, i discovered tiny globules of blood in my mucus. whoa..awesome discovery.. the blood globules really stand out and they were perfectly spherical in shape. showed it to my sisters..haha..major amusement for all.. anyway, it was really difficult to inhale and exhale and breath with only ONE functional nostril, and this went on for 4 days! i could hardly smell let alone have a proper taste of my food. Another sucky feeling totally..

couldn't sleep last night too, despite being very tired physically and mentally.. don't know why.. had to bribe my body into having some roti canai with hopes that it would surrender and rest, but no luck.. was up for another hour.. decided to do a proper prayer (one without me sleeping off while praying) and so, i talked to Him for a good long half an hour. i must say.. prayer is a powerful healing tool. For 5 days, i had been stupidly relying on my own ability (and perhaps even the doctor's ability) of trying to rid myself of the flu and cough but He cured it within a night. Awesomeness i would say :) God, you totally rock!
i guess i didn't want to bug Him with such petty issues, thinking i could solve them all on my own cos He's got better things to worry about but i realize that He wants to know it all..small or big the burden..

she looks pretty when she smiles..

i wonder why she doesn't smile as often as she should..

she seems like a different person yet similar in some ways..

perhaps beneath those smiles, she is as insecure as i am?

Go away-lah, flu!

I'm as sick as a dog.. have been so for the past 3 days..
i hope its nothing serious..
*cough cough cough*
Being sick with no one to pamper you with TLC is horrible..maybe that's why i;m not getting better..but shouldn't i be used to the loneliness and singlehood by now? haha.. funny eh..
When will my knight in shining armour come?? sighz... i don't even mind if he doesn;t have an armour..

:( :( :(

It's just not the same anymore.

The fear of what is to come has come.

Nothing is what it seems sometimes.

It's all just a facade.

Am i thinking too much or is it just you who's not thinking enough?
How do i stop then? How do i stop myself from feeling the way i do?

Wheee!

At 10am, i got a suprising message..

"Hi Alicia. This is Zandra from FBC. Chee Seng and I are leading Christmas service and are wondering if u would like to sing backup. Practice is at 7pm tomorrow night at FBC. Let me know asap. Thanks."

I wanted to be in the main worship team, but never had the guts to approach the Worship Coordinator.
And today, i get a message from them..should i be elated?

I am... wheeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!! :) ;) ;p


** God, is this You making a way for me? If it is, or even if it isn't, thank you for hearing the tiny whispers of my heart..for creating this "stepping stone" for me so that i can have courage to pursue bigger and greater things for Your glory..though it may only be a part-time thingy (who knows..they may never call me again next time), i hope things would work out for the better and it would become another full-time ministry that i can serve You in..thank you again, for Your faithfulness and blessings..

So soon..

Another year is soon to come and go. There is only a little more than a week left to usher in the new year, denoting a new chapter. So quickly, and we run out of time again..

This last 1 1/2 weeks of December feels like a week of final assessment. Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas too..perhaps its due to my procrastination in planning and getting things done. It is at this point of the year too that people start to look into plans for the year to come. Some seek to be better, some seek to reach goals, while some are content with the way things are. Which am i?

This year saw many happenings, both in the global perspective as well as personal. I think whatever happened, big or small, significant or insignificant, they all become baggages that will be carried together with me into the future and i want to try to lose some of that.. :)

Reminder to self:
Do not forget the true meaning of Christmas..that Christ became human so that God's will be done.. it's not about the giving of gifts..

movie-marathoning

Jason Statham...ooolaalaa..

The Transporter 3 is a must watch.
But Benji said Transporter 2 was nicer..hmm..

List of movies to watch:
Transporter 1
Transporter 2
Death Race

...thats all for now...more to come im sure...wheeeee!!!! :)

dilemma

i really want to get away on the 26th.. but it seems very unlikely that i will be able to..
i know its a selfish attempt but it's something i have always wanted to do for myself..something i've wanted to cross out of the checklist a long long time ago..
i know it all seems silly and last minute and too "adventurous" but where's all the fun if everything was so pre-arranged and predictable?

i wanna get away but i wanna be at the dinner as well..cos its gonna be an encouraging time of sharing and pot-blessing..lots of yummy food..kids to play with.. etc..

i dont know...what do i do?

dilemma..

so many places i wanna go to..yet... :(

blah..

Goodbye

Your fingertips across my skin

The palm trees swaying in the wind

Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies

The sweetest sadness in your eyes

Clever trick

We walked along a crowded street

You took my hand and danced with me

Images

And when you left, you kissed my lips

You told me you would never, never forget

These images
No

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot drive the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted

And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Expectations and disappointment

When you have certain expectations, there's bound to be disappointment when those expectations are not met. When you don't have expectations, disappointment will still find its way to taunt you.

I want neither of it.. it's making life so miserable..

But i find solace in His words..

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.....Endure hardship as discipline. God is treating you as sons (and daughters)... " Hebrews 12

A reminder to self:

Stop putting your hopes and expectations on people. They MAY disappoint. God doesn't.

When filled with disappointment, anger and frustration, GET A GRIP AND MOVE ON! don't dwell in the zone too long.. its damaging.

Last but not least, good or bad..take it all in with a SMILE..

Easier said than done..haih..urghh..

Medley frenzy

This is so cool! the singing is not bad, the drumming quite cekap and the guitaring is chun! Found it on YouTube and it totally made my day :)

Now, i wanna do something like that too. I just need to recruit 2 more "band" members/crazy friends willing to embark on this medley madness with me..i'll do the vocal of course! hehe..

Any takers? No experience needed; just a musically-inclined soul will do. Guaranteed satisfaction at the end of our attempt ;p

Haha, enjoy anyway!

Twilight

What is desperation?

This is desperation. When "someone" who just touched down in KLIA from Singapore, took her 12kg suitcase, along with her overloaded laptop bag and handbag; without heading home first..grabbed a friend along (for chaffeur services, companionship and storage purposes) and went to catch the latest movie released --> TWILIGHT

Ahhh... No regrets :)

I love the spontaneity of life, haha!

* It's a great feeling to finally ease my anxious heart of all the waiting and anticipation; and what more to finally have a face to each name of the cast.. I love you, Edward Cullen.

Pursuits

I ask myself...

What are my pursuits in life?

Where does my passion lie?

What inspires me?

What are my aspirations? and who is the source of my aspirations?

Where do i see myself in this world?

I realise i've never given these questions of life a deep thought.. which goes to show how little I care to understand myself and the impact of my life. I call myself a science graduate but here I am, so uncritical of my own being.

I need a paradigm shift; a thorough revolutionary change. And I need it fast. Cos life is short.

Perhaps another solo vacation/adventure on a significant day of my life would do the trick.

(Inspired by Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert --> a good read)

A self-discovery opportunity awaits...

* I know all this, but i can't get my fat ass up and start making the necessary changes. I lack motivation. I just need a factor to effect a shift. And that's where the challenge lies. Will i walk the talk?

** PURSUITS, Every Sunday @ 8.30pm on Mediacorp ---> great inspirational programme.

Work @ Singapore

I arrived in Singapore on Monday evening. I'm leaving tomorrow on the afternoon flight. Darn! time passes really fast here. This work visit would officially be my longest stay in Singapore. I am contemplating to consider transfer here, but then again, who am I to decide? Doubt it'll happen.. Anyway, I'm really missing home and friends.. can't wait to be back.. lousy me..haha.. how la am i gonna survive working at a foreign land then? (",)

Went for a lovely Spanish dinner last night with Victor at the Chjimes, and sinful indulgences thereafter at The Gelare. We spent the time talking about all the silly things we did back then, Victor, MingChing and I.

Just to name a few..

we got caught copying notes and programming codes from a book in MPH and were thus chased away;

MingChing was suppose to tutor me and Victor for Physics SPM but he ended up high on gaming on Vic's comp and poor Vic had to tutor me instead;

silly remarks that MingChing made on certain occasion,

and so much more..

I really miss those good old days! :)
Vic said i lost my glow..probably due to work stress! haha.. gotto find a way to get that glow back on ;p

wish Mer was in Malaysia, and living in KL. She would probably know some make up tricks..then again, shouldn't a guy like me for my all-natural look, glow or no glow? hmm...

"Red Rush"

* From the leftest mostest, in clockwise direction:
Julian, Seki, Lauren, Mark, BenJ, Jon, Suteng, Kenneth, Becky Choy, and finally the cutest of them all..Ally Choy ;p
ps: Kenneth, sorry i curi your picture! haha..

Really like this picture :)

cos we look like one big happy family..

Friends are indeed the bacon bits in the salad bowl of life =D

The unintended gift

How can it be that someone you've known for only a brief period of time, can feel like a long-time close buddy, that you just love spending time with, share everything under the sun with, and do all sorts of crazy wacko stuff together and still feel natural being 100% yourself, with no pretend..?

I'm grateful I've found such a friendship.. unexpectedly..

Only issue now is.. will it stay? will it last?

Or was i delusional in the first place?

Because certain friendships in the past have left me broken; in question and doubt of whether a genuine friendship should ever exist. After all the effort of mending myself back, am i truly ready to trust again? only to be disappointed once again?

"Some friends come and go like a season. Others are arranged in our lives for good reason."
by Sharita Gadison


"Friends are the most important part of your life. Treasure the tears, treasure the laughter, but most importantly, treasure the memories."
by Dave Brenner

Musico-therapy

Currently listening to... Somebody You Used To Know by Koko Kaina

The time is 2.07 p.m. Mind: Hazy. Mood: Blue.

I always feel like this after lunch breaks. Urghh..

Anyway, I stumbled upon an amazing singer/songwriter named Koko Kaina while randomly surfing some radio-deejays' blog and YouTube. So today's entry is going to be about this songbird.
At first glance, i thought she was Filipino or Mexican because of her name and tanned skin but when i further researched into the giant web and YouTube for more videos of her, i found out that she is actually Malaysian! OMGG...*jaw drops

Her style of music is very much to the liking of Jack Johnson, with a very jazzy feel to it. She is what i would call the "female" version of Jack Johnson? She's like Marie Digby and Norah Jones rolled up into one happy meal :)
Her music has got simple repetitive progressions (which i can't figure out because i suck at jazzy chord progressions) and a repetitive singing style as well but it's still unique..but what is most amazing about her is that this lady has been gifted with the ability to write good lyrics. Good rhyming lyrics with a genuine and pleasing melody to it. I truly envy her.. she's the embodiment of everything I want to be, in secret.. ;p

Pop jazz totally rocks. great music therapy for the soul too.
Highly recommended in large intake and daily dosages. =D

Enamorado

Tratando de quedarme fuerte y protegerme

pero sé que me enamoro sin esperanzas de usted

Escenico en color

couldn't help but take this picture while heading to church @ 6.45pm. I don't think the pictures justify the real beauty of the scenic blend of colors in the sky.

After Jim Brickman's concert in Menara KL.
Managed to capture the tower in purple and white but missed the green one.
Thanks to a laggy cam..

Ms. Ally and her radio-deejay pal, DJ Priscilla.

On dating and courtship

A pretty interesting read. I'm sure everyone has this dilemma or experience at some point in their lives. If you have experienced this personally or in second degree, I'd really like to know if you are in agreement or disagreement with the article, or your general thoughts on the matter. Both male and female perspectives are most welcomed and appreciated. Do drop a comment if you feel like it.
*Caution: It may be a long read. But do read till the end.

Who's On First? by J. Budziszewski

(Boundless Webzine - www.boundless.org/datingcourtship/)

It was only a little past 11, and the Union was almost empty. Expecting a quiet lunch, I chose a table where I could look out the window at the Quad. No sooner had I set down my tray than a familiar face materialized in front of me. "Expecting someone, Prof?" It was Mark Manasseh.

"Not at all. Pull up a chair."

He sat down with a plate of something I didn't recognize.

"What's that? Some kind of taco?"

"Haven't you ever had a gyro?" he said. "It's like a Greek taco. Gyros have been around a long time."

I shook my head. "Food has changed."

"Food isn't the only thing that's changed," he said, and lapsed into a moody silence. He chewed meditatively.

"So what else has changed?", I asked.

"Huh?"

"You said food isn't the only thing that's changed. What else has changed?"

"Oh. The rules. They're always changing them on you in the middle of the game. I can't tell who's on first any more."

"Who's 'they'? Has the Faculty Senate changed the graduation requirements again?"

"No. Actually I was thinking of a girl." He played with his gyro, then looked up. "I guess I'm not being very clear."

"Clear enough. Girl changes terms of relationship, guy confused. You don't have to explain."

"Maybe I should. We've talked about this kind of thing once before, and I could use the perspective of an, um, older person. Do you mind?"

I shook my head. "I have time. Being so old, you know."

He reddened. "I only meant — "

I laughed. "I know what you meant. Go ahead."

"There's this girl. Molly. She's a friend. But that's it: Just a friend. You know, we talk and do things together. But I talk and do things with all my friends."

"Do you talk and do things with them the same way you talk and do things with Molly?"

"Not exactly. She's a close friend." He paused. "But just a close friend."

I smiled. "Just very close."

"Right."

"And a girl."

"Right."

"When you talk and do things with her, are other people included?"

"Sometimes."

"Uh-huh."

"But I do things just with other friends too. Like I told her."

"Like you told her? How did the subject come up?"

"I'm still trying to figure that out."

"Suppose you tell me what happened."

"Well, we were hungry, so we were having a pizza together at Molto Alimento."

"Just because you were hungry."

"Why does there have to be another reason? Can't friends eat a pizza?"

"Sure."

"Anyway, we were almost done when she said something about how we've known each other for almost two years. I said yes. She said we've had a lot of fun together. I said yes. And then she said some other stuff, I don't remember what — you can't listen to everything a girl says or it would wear you out. I think I must have said yes to that too, which was probably a mistake. The next thing I knew, she was talking about how a girl needs a commitment or something. And I guess it took a few minutes for what she was saying to sink in, and I asked 'What do you mean?' And she said 'commitment' and spelled the word. And I said 'It's not like we've been dating or anything.' And she said 'What do you call it when we've been seeing each other exclusively for two years?' And I said 'What do you mean exclusively? I do things together with lots of other people.' And she said 'Not with other girls you don't' and I said 'Girls and guys both' and she said 'What girls?' And I said I couldn't think of any and she asked me why I was holding back and I said I didn't know what she was talking about and then all of a sudden she was crying and she left the table and the waiter brought the check and he looked at me like I was dogmeat and I couldn't find her and so I went home, and I keep trying to phone her but she won't return my calls and it's all I can — I mean I — well — "

He looked embarrassed and took a deep breath. "So that's why I say she changed the rules."

"From what to what?"

"What?"

"What did she change them from, and what did she change them to?"

"From friendship rules to dating rules."

"But that's not exactly what she said, is it?"

"What do you mean?"

"You quoted her as asking something like, 'What do you call what we've been doing?' So she thinks you're the one who's trying to change the rules."

"But I never said we were dating!"

"But weren't you?"

"Don't I have to think it's a date for it to be a date?"

"Do you have to think a car is a car for it to be a car?"

"This isn't like that."

"Mark, when two people of opposite sex enjoy a social activity, it's called a date."

"But it wasn't romantic."

"Not all dates are romantic, but any date is potentially romantic. That's why steady dating produces expectations, especially among girls. Life is short. Why should they waste their time dating guys who aren't serious?"

"We were never romantic."

"She thought you were."

"Yeah, well, I guess that's true."

"And are you so sure that it makes no difference to you that Molly is a girl? Would you worry like that if some guy wouldn't return your calls?"

"But she didn't say we were dating either. Not before. Once someone asked if we were dating, and she answered before I even had a chance. She just laughed and said, 'Oh, no, we're just friends.' See? She did change the rules on me."

I sighed. "Mark, these days neither girls nor guys seem to want to admit that their dates are dates. But they have different reasons for not wanting to, and those reasons kick in on different occasions."

"What do you call the reasons? Start with girls."

"I'm not sure, but I think one common reason girls today don't call dates dates is that guys today think 'date' means 'sex.' The idea of dating as courtship has almost disappeared."

"I don't pressure girls for sex."

"Does she know that?"

"She ought to. She knows I'm a Christian."

"I'm sure she knows that sexual intercourse outside of marriage is contrary to Christian principles. But a lot of so-called Christian guys do pressure girls for sex. How does she know that you won't?"

"I haven't pressured her yet, have I?"

"But you say you aren't dating, remember?"

"Oh. Well, yeah."

"She might think that one reason you haven't pressured her for sex is that up to now she's gone along with the myth that you aren't dating."

"Maybe," he admitted.

"There's another reason."

"What is it?"

"Often girls these days don't call dates dates because guys these days are so afraid of commitment. You won’t say that one doesn't apply to you."

Mark shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

"You see, the girl may feel that the only way the guy will ever court her is if he doesn't have to admit that it's courtship."

"All right, I see your point. What do you say are the guy reasons?"

"We've already covered the first one," I said. "Girls are right — guys these days are afraid of commitment. It's part of their fear of growing up. And there's another reason. Fear of failure."

"Fear of failure?"

"If you're 'just friends' and she says no to pizza, it's no big deal. But if you ask her on a pizza date and she says no, it's humiliating. To relieve the pressure, guys don't call dates dates. That's related to another girl reason. Most girls don't want to humiliate guys, so if the guy doesn't call it a date, they go along with him."

"Stop. You're bringing back memories of junior high school."

"That's just it. Some guys never quite get past that stage."

"Are there any other guy reasons?"

"There's one more, but we've covered that one too."

"We have?"

"Sure. You mentioned it yourself."

"When?"

"Right at the beginning of the conversation. You said that the rules of relationships have changed and that you can't even tell 'who's on first' any more."

"It's true."

"Of course it is. Pressure for sex, fear of commitment, fear of failure — all those things have changed the rules of relationships. Add to those things the feeling that men and women are adversaries, and things look pretty grim. No wonder guys aren't willing to call dates dates. They don't know what they might be getting into."

"Right!"

"The problem is that not calling dates dates doesn't work either."

"Why not?"

"Think of your dinner with Molly."

"Oh." Mark thought a moment. "So does anything work? What are the moves of courtship?"

* to be continued. Part 2 of the Article
Not out yet, i think...

I Miss...

The 7 things I miss...inspired by Miley Cyrus's 7 things :)

I miss traveling.

Being in New Zealand was exactly what I wanted to experience and how I wanted to feel..away from my comfort-zone a.k.a. home, meeting new people, making new friends, feeling God's love and hungering for more of Him, at peace and feeling laid-back most of the time, and the list probably goes on.. Been going through some pictures of friends and acquaintances who are overseas and I don't know why but the crave of wanting to be in their position is suddenly so strong..they look so happy and the places look great. I am envious of their opportunity to be there, to the extent of even contemplating further studies overseas (the recent drop in the forex rates seem somewhat like a good sign of approval from above as well). I really want to be somewhere else rather than where I am now. I want the chance to have a fresh start elsewhere..cos' I know I need it and it'll do me good..I realize that it's part of my personality. It's hard for me to start afresh, without being in a different place.. Some may ask, "Why do you even want to start afresh? Things ain't going well enough for you?" To be honest, certain aspects of my life doesn't feel right. Everything is okay but it still doesn't feel right. I know I'm meant to do something better than this. I know what I'm passionate about. I know that I can achieve and give so much more. It should feel right but it doesn't. And that feeling itself bugs me...to the core.. Others say "It's all in the mind! Can't you just imagine you're somewhere else and still start afresh?" Hello! Easier said than done! If my imaginations and power of the mind were that great and powerful, I'd be writing novels, directing a movie and doing acting! But while writing this post, I realize that perhaps, it is my will for change that isn't strong enough. I mop around in emo-ness but I don't do anything to get out of that state. And this is something many of us actually do, consciously and subconsciously. But anyhow, to sum it all in a lighter note, before it gets too lengthy and emofying, traveling is definitely something I'm very much passionate about. It inspires me in so many ways..so many ways.. :)

I miss school days.

I had the best time of my life in school. Great environment, great friends, great teachers, great almost everything! but not in university, surprisingly! For some, it's the other way around. I suppose I never really made the effort to make my university days a blast. Possibly one of my biggest regrets in life is not making the most of uni days; not living life to the fullest when I could.
Back in school, it was all natural. We were naturally crazier, naturally closer, naturally fun people to be with..
Hard to believe but believe it. I was once so fun to be with! Everything we did always had a dosage of fun and laughter in it. I remember having a friend comment that I was a little too hyper too. Sadly, not anymore though..unless I'm with the right bunch of friends :) I really miss that part of me.. I really miss those days and friends back then..why do people change? why do circumstances change us? why is it so difficult to relive those moments and rekindle that connection once again? why oh why..

I miss eating KFC.

Enough said. It's been too long a wait. I shall treat myself TONIGHT, by hook or crook. Can't wait till' we're face to face again, oh KFC.. :)

I miss my teenage love affair.

Bitter-sweet moments. Nothing says it better than this.

"Can't wait to get home, baby dial your number
Can you pick up the phone; cause I wanna holla
Daydreamin' bout you, all day in school
Can't concentrate, wanna hear your voice in my ear
Till momma come and say it's too late
Cause the lights are on outside
Wish there was somewhere to hide
Cause I just don't want to say goodbye

Hey boy, you know I really like being with you
Just hanging out is fun.."

I miss Cambodia!

Cambodia Missions Exposure Trip, 2006. Great experience, great bunch of people I went with, had so much unexpected fun, great food and of course....great EXPOSURE! It's really a humbling experience to see how the Cambodian kids can still stay cheery and happy despite their predicaments. They showed such great depth of brotherly "agape" love for us, like we were never strangers in their lives, but brothers and sisters.. Being in Cambodia was a good wake-up call.
I wish I had a time-machine. Cos' I don't ever want to forget the lessons learnt, the times spent, and the friendship made. :)

I miss growing.

I've stopped growing taller! Any growth observed would only be sideways, how unfortunate. I think I had a growth spurt once in Form 3. Ai Ming, a classmate actually thought she was shrinking because I got taller than her! haha! Yups! Had that big glee on me when I heard her say that. Anyway, it was only that one time and then it stopped. I've been the same height for ages now. I really do miss growing :(

I miss having a flat tummy.

I've seriously put on some weight. Some say it's good cos' I look better, not like some scrawny bulimic person but I have mixed feelings about it. There's an extra burden. I now need to worry about concealing my "2-months" tummy. Haha! I'm too lazy to exercise too. And my appetite is crazy! My cravings are like raging hormones! My bad..

* Finally, it's done ...

Memoirs

I've come to realize that certain memories of the past are beginning to fade. I can only remember vaguely the incidents that happened in the past, both good and bad ones. But yet, I doubt the vague recollection of these memories that I have. Did it really happen that way or am I just remembering it the way I want to, with a pinch of salt, giving it a much bearable "taste" with a slight added deviation to the truth?

To be honest, I can't remember any incident or happenings of my life with clear definition. They all seem to be in gray, slightly blurred at certain angles, just like an old television with undefined reception. Is this a common phenomenon? I really don't know..

I've come to realize too that it's easy to forget, because there's only so much our brains can store but the feelings accompanying the incidents usually linger for a much longer time. I clearly remember how certain incidents left me feeling, but I can only remember vaguely the words said, or the actions done. I can't quote them in accuracy and that bothers me.

There is an old adage which goes "with time, comes healing" (or maybe something along those lines) which I find true only to a certain extend.
(Speaking only about the bad experiences) I believe I've healed from the bitterness of the past. I don't sob myself to sleep every night anymore, and neither do I let it affect me in great measure. Whatever it is, it's not bugging me 24/7 anymore. Perhaps, it is safe to say that I have moved on, no longer exhibiting the living-in-the-present-but-dwelling-in-the-past symptom. Yet, personally and honestly, I know there's still a small part of me holding on to that tiny fraction of the past, that I have yet to fully let go of it all. Instead of being weighed down by 100 kilos of remorse, disappointment and insecurity, it has probably been decreased to about 10 kilos.. (i hope)

Anyway, it's a daily process and I'm still learning to let go, to accept the fact that not every beautiful beginning in a story has a guaranteed happy ending; as much as one may hope for it to because who knows what the great Author of our lives has in mind for this story of ours. I do not like the ending of some of the stories I've had, but I've also come to realize that resistance is futile. The plot's been played, and the stage's been graced. I just pray and hope that circumstances and most importantly, divine intervention would lead me to another book, another story, a different chapter of my life but with great reading pleasure altogether.

Disclaimer:
I'm not being emotional but rather, enticed by certain events of life to reflect.
Penning my thoughts down eases my brain capacity a little and acts as a back-up drive in the event I get dementia/dementic and forget it all. I just want to be able to remember all the bits and pieces of my life.

I am driving up 85 in the
kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
just stuck inside the gloom

Four more exits to my apartment but
I am tempted to keep the car in drive
and leave it all behind

Cause I wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why, why Georgia, why?

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
wood in places to make it feel like home
but all I feel's alone
It might be a quarter life crisis
or just the stirring in my soul

Either way, I wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why, why Georgia, why?

So what, so I've got a smile on me
but it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don't believe me
Don't believe me
When I say I've got it down

Everybody is just a stranger but
that's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pay
still "Everything happens for a reason"
is no reason not to ask myself

If I'm living it right
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why, tell me why
Why, why Georgia why?

* Why Georgia, by John Mayer

Through It All

The Lord faithfully provides again.

He turned my shortcomings into something others saw as beauty, as a gift.

He turned my mourning into dancing; and my worries into joy.

He gave me courage, hope and support in so many ways when i least expected it.

I knew.
All i had to do was to trust and wait upon Him, cos no way i was gonna make it on my own.

All credit goes to Him, cos i don't deserve any of it.



O Lord, I wanna sing of Your faithfulness to me!
Thank you for seeing me through it all...

A testimony...

About 3 weeks ago, I was approached by SirLoh to worship lead for BB Sunday. The both of us had done it together last year in 2007 and because there was a wedding just days before it, I got myself a sorethroat, a really bad one (thanks to the yaaaam-sengggg sessions). I was thinking to myself, "How am I gonna sing? with a croaky voice, there's no way I can lead the congregation to genuinely worship God. I'm only going to be a hindrance, a stumbling block". Not forgetting, we had a song presentation too and I had a solo part, and was to be the first to sing. "I am so gonna screw it up!", that was what I kept telling myself. Thankfully, I managed to pull through the 2 services in the Subang church, and even got some good feedback from the congregation! I was thankful, and grateful. Then, came the next challenge. We had to do the same thing for the Pantai church, another 2 services. That week, my voice was at its worst. Nothing I did helped. I managed the first service but when it came to the second service, I gave up. I literally had no voice coming out of me. I got someone to replace me at the very last minute to sing, while I continued to lead the musicians downstage.

And so, when SirLoh approached me to do it again this year, I had second thoughts. Because I didn't think I was good enough to do it all on my own this time. But as usual, he's rather persistent and because of my love for music, I was inclined to say yes. And so, with BB Sunday 2008 just 2 weeks away, practices went underway. We met up almost every night to practice and guess what?? Mr. sorethroat decided to give me a visit, AGAIN! I was so convinced that I was jinxed and that God really didn't want me to worship lead because the cycle repeated itself again. The same time, the same symptoms, the same team of musicians, the same ME, the same situation, the same event! Everyone questioned why I was having sorethroat again, just like last year but yet, they were very encouraging at the same time. Always praying for my throat, my voice and telling me to stay away from late night mamak sessions, cold drinks, kissing (ish,not that I have anyone to kiss at the moment), fried and spicy food,and etc etc etc.. I really didn't want to screw it up this time and disappoint those who entrusted me with this responsibility.

I started taking all sorts of preventive measures. Bought tonnes of hacks sweet (supposedly good for sorethroat), visited the coffee shop every night for some honey lime drink, not singing in the shower too much and too loudly, and of course, not singing aloud while driving. The outcome? It didn't go away! Anyway, came that Sunday morning, D-Day and when I woke up, I croaked! I couldn't sing properly. I had loads of phlegm in my throat and I was trying my utmost best to spit them all out! Tried singing and my sister said "OMG, you're so doomed! How are you gonna worship lead like that?"
I was panicking. It just had to be today that my voice is at its worst again. That was when it crossed my mind. Worship isn't about me singing well, it's about leading others to genuine worship to God. I shouldn't worry because my voice, isn't and shouldn't be the focus, but God is. And I said a prayer. "God, if it's Your will that I have a sorethroat, so be it. Whether it's my croaky voice or not, let me just praise You and worship You with all that I am. But I will wait on You, Lord and hope for a miracle, for a speedy miracle, even if there's only 2 hours left before I get on that stage and lead the congregation for worship. I will trust You, God. Because, that's all I can do. It's too late to rely on my own strength. And I'm sorry I ever did rely on my own efforts. Help me, Lord. Amen."

He did help me. He answered my prayer. My voice wasn't at its best but neither was it at its worst anymore. When I sang those hymns of love to Him, I didn't really think about the sorethroat anymore. It went alright, perhaps well too, according to some of the feedbacks I got from some of the church members. But there was this one incident. An uncle, probably in his 60s, came up to me personally and commented on my voice. He encouraged me to sing more in church, to serve God with my voice..That comment made my day. It made me realize and acknowledge even more how great our God is, that He can so effortlessly turn my predicaments into something that inspires others. But more importantly, that He is a faithful God. To be honest, this experience humbled me a lot. I owe a big gratitude to the entire worship team as well, for backing me up always, having so much faith in me and putting on their best in talent for God. Wouldn't have made it without them.

I am considering to help out in the worship team, but I am still undecided. But one thing I do know, is that singing is something I'm passionate about, although I am definitely not in the league and likes of Alicia Keys, Avril and all the other big names of people with power voices. I love singing, and I wanna sing for Him, for the rest of my days.

" I'll sing to You, Lord, a hymn of love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all "

The Triplets

Roxy, Rayanne and Russell :)
latest addition to the family. poops just about anywhere and anytime.
small but fearless.

ahh...smittened to the max

woke up one morning and found her lying on the floor like that..
its like she's trying to tell a message
ain't the first time i've caught her sleeping in that position!
totally adorable :)

she thinks she's slim and small enough to sleep in her food case!
tsk tsk tsk..

Ahh..who doesn't like pictures? They speak a thousand words, arouse a thousand thoughts, and yield a thousand feelings. They S.A.Y. a thousand things! Anyway, pictures are courtesy of Soo's cam..some of the best shots i like :) Not too bad a place to visit after all..

And some syok-sendiri pictures of myself of course ;p

My Cycling Adventure

Soo : Eh, let's go cycling! Bukit Cahaya..want?
Ally : Can! *Yay, it'll be my first outing with my colleagues!*

So on Monday, everyone in the office was on Skype discussing on the right day to go cycling, a day that could accommodate everyone. As usual, it is just so difficult to meet everyone's timing. To cut a long story short, only 2 of us ended up going, carrying on with the cycling plan.
pathetic? yups!! ;p

Finally came Saturday morning, the day we were supposedly to go cycling. Went all the way to Bukit Cahaya, Shah Alam, paid the entrance fee and waited outside the bicycle rental shop. We waited for about 1 1/2 hours, still no sign of the fella who's suppose to buka kedai..so Soo's bf went and ask and the counter guys said that the fella probably balik kampung already. But hello??!! we called them before the Raya break and asked whether they'd be open on Saturday and they said yes! Arghh... ok, nevermind..be positive..since we're already there, might as well go have a look of the place. So we took a shuttle bus to the top and decided to walk down from there. Mind you, it was a really long walk because we didn't just walk along the main road.. we ventured onto some paths inside which led us even more deeper into the forest..into the 4 seasons attraction place and the watch tower oh so high up..

Again, to cut the long story short.. we finally made it down..and guess what we saw to our suprise? There was a bunch of people with bicycles!! Some were choosing, some already cycling.. ARGHHH..how dissapointing! that fella baru buka kedai! if it wasn't because we all had to rush of by noon for our next respective appointments, we would have cycled..the fact that we all set out so enthusiastically to Bukit Cahaya to cycle and we didn't manage to..sigh..but oh wells, to be positive..there's always next time! :)

On another side note, after all the walking and burning my fats, I rushed for BB.
Decided to have lunch with the band people so i called Seki up and he said they were in McDs.
So that was where i headed to.
Purposely parked my car in the Taman Jaya park and walk to Amcorp Mall to keep those fats burning but once i got to McDs, i ate like a pig (as usual)..
Thankfully, i had to walk back to my car situated oh so far from Amcorp. Haha, hopefully, that short walk burned away some fats..but i doubt so, because just like every other saturdays, i had trouble fitting into my uniform..
Mum says it's time to visit the tailor again :(

Pulau Perhentian Challenge 2008

Sounds interesting..

Thinking of joining..

It's so gonna be like "Survivor + OBS" i think..

It'd be fun and awesome..and it's the kinda thing i like doing..

It would be good therapy for the body, mind and soul..

Gotto confirm by tonight..

M I K E

Ta da!
Warmest welcome to Mike, my new best friend =)
isn't he just dashing? Yo! he's my white knight ;p

Grace used to name her camera Stuart and i think it's a good idea to actually name your belongings because it creates some sort of personal bond with it..its not just another THING, u know..
Why MIKE? well, cos that's what i call the guy in my dreams since a long time ago.. somehow i just like the name i guess.. and secondly, i need more of the opposite gender in my life. Thirdly, it rhymes! "Hi, meet Mike, my MacBook"..haha, lameness..

Anyway,here's some randomly interesting stuff..
In the MacBook user manual, this is what the first page says..

"Congratulations, you and your MacBook were made for each other"

somehow, i find that funny..lol..another lameness, i know..

dilemma...

hmm, i haven't blogged in awhile.
mustn't make it a habit or this attempt of keeping a blog for at least 1 year would so fail.
i would look like a failure then.

i realized that i have a lot of things in mind that i wanna do, being overly ambitious and confident of myself...
but it's been weeks now, and nothing much has been done..
i've turned into a procrastinator...ewww...

anyway, my Apple MacBook is due to come tomorrow or Wednesday.
can't wait =D

i'm still dilemmatized though..about myself, and him...
it troubles me sometimes..
i wonder..does God have any part to play in this? What are His plans for us?

Open the eyes of my heart, Lord
Open the eyes of my heart
I want to see You, I want to see You...

and i mean it, Lord..

Quote of the Day

"Love the heart that hurts you and never hurt the heart that loves you".

simple yet with such a profound message... i like! =)

i wouldn't want to hurt the hearts of those who love me dearly but loving those that hurt me?!
it's a friggin' struggle..

ardently entwined

I’ve just finished reading the second book to the Twilight series and darn!
IT IS SO FREAKINGLY WELL-WRITTEN!!

The second book is definitely better than the first, because every chapter had a pinch of suspense in it, and as one reads, the images just come naturally to mind, able to keep one glued to the book for as long as it takes..
dammit! it's like watching a movie in your mind!

and i know this because..

I was practically reading; stealing glimpses of the words on the pages of the book while driving!
Yes, I know..it’s dangerous to do that but I couldn’t help it! I had to know what was going to happen next..

Anyway, to sum it all, New Moon gave me the right motivation I needed to get started on a reading spree again. My next book would be Eclipse.
Can’t wait to visit the bookstore soon :)
I have a strong feeling that quite a bulk of my 1st paycheck is going to go to books. Hmm...
I'm so hooked..ardently entwined with the series.

Decision-making and the will of God

Hmm, yesterday's sermon was interesting.

About decision-making and the will of God...the mind-boggling issue that gets everyone thinking..

As Christians, we have always been having the thought or assumption that when there is an "open door" to a certain opportunity in life, we take these open doors as "signs" from God, telling us that this is what He wants us to do or in other terms, basically His will for us. And i have to admit, i'm guilty as charged, falling under that category of mindset as well..right until yesterday..

So often we say this scripted prayer to God, especially in areas of our lives which need major decision making, saying "Lord, if it is Your will, please open a door for me and i will follow" and when circumstances / coincidences in life seem to fit our prayer request, we almost immediately take it as a confirmation from God and thus make our major decision based on that moment's circumstance. It's basically like a man contemplating to buy either a Mercedes S-class or a Proton Perdana and he prays to God for a sign and so happen, on one particular day, right after church, he drives out and sees a few Mercedes on the road, no Proton Perdana at all and coincidentally as well, it was announced on the local media that petrol price will not increase any more than RM2.70 a litre but will drop by 15 cents! Duhh, the signs are there! Of course you should get the Merc! I am sure that anybody in his position would immediately and easily mistaken those coincidental moments as a sign of divine revelation from God!

And what's weird is that, these circumstances or coincidences have significance ONLY when it concerns our lives..when it doesn't, it is just another passing thing.

Should that be the way?

Anyway, a few things i managed to grasp from yesterday's sermon was this. God gives us lots of open doors in life, and not just one. It is His will for us to learn how to make the right decisions and be responsible for the decisions we make. And this is an area which we all need to work on, because we are sometimes afraid to be accountable of our own decisions. Should anything go wrong along the way, it is always easier to put the blame on someone else rather than ourselves. Basically, that's pride already..

A season without love..yet blessed

"I can't believe that it hurts more than it seems
When I lie down all alone, sweet memories come to me
Rain or shine, this pain of mine it subsides by my side
Gives me a reason..for a season without love..."

I thought leaving for a while would help me get over the past, start afresh, be a whole new yet better person altogether but now that i'm back here again, i'm slowly going back to where i left off, to the person i was before leaving. I dont want that.. it just isn't the genuine me, it just isn't the people i want to be around with, it just doesn't feel right.

"I don't know how long it'll take for healing to take place
Only Jesus knows how bad my heart aches
The only comfort I find is when I sit down and pray..."

I need to reject these negative feelings. It isn't about me...it's about who i should be for God.
Why do i even bother thinking about all these demoralising and saddening stuff? I should focus on the good stuff! Oh yeah!

God has been amazingly faithful to me all the time, watching my back in every step i take. When i expected the worst, He suprised me with something better. He gave me great friends when i thought it would have been a lonely journey. He kept me safe (and ALIVE) when i thought it was the end of the road for me. He gave me direction when i thought i had none. He gave me hope when everything seemed hopeless. He gave me assurance and certainty when things were so uncertain. Even when i thought i had overspent and was broke, he turned it 180 degrees around. I had a few hundred extras! There were moments when i felt like breaking down but instead, He gave me strength to overcome. Looking back, He provided faitfhfully for my every need when i needed it most.

I am blessed with His love and knowing that should keep my blues away! :)
Positive in, and negative out! Shoo!
Re-transformation starts now...

BRING IT ON!

After 4 years, I'm finally giving blogging a try again. Every attempt I made resulted in failure, possibly due to the fact that I'm not very much a blogger. Oh well, let's just see how this one goes :)

"Psyched" are the words written on this blog's heading. Few reasons why it is so...

Firstly, I'm a person who's really psyched up on just about everything. I was even psyched up about setting up this blog, like a little kid who was going to get their first barbie doll or toy car! Anyway, I named this baby of mine Psyched because I suppose this is where I should be talking about stuff that makes me psyched, from psychedelic art, music to experiences of life..this baby is gonna be my closet of thoughts and ramblings..

Anyway, wish me the best in keeping this place alive for at least 1 year!
Hopefully this goal isn't too difficult to achieve, cos if not, I'm real hopeless then..hehe..
So yeah, BRING IT ON! :)